Hi, I’m Mary, and this is my column no one asked for about things I like!

I often joke that my supplement intake is indirectly correlated to my mental health. The more pills I take, the more I’m struggling emotionally, which is why lately I’ve been taking up to eight supplements a day HAHA DON’T WORRY I’M DOING WELL! I just have one little question: when does one cross over from being a freelance writer who walks dogs to being a full-on dog walker?

OK, back to supplements. A few years ago (back when I had money!), I went to Iceland (not to brag) and noticed that everyone there had great skin. When I got back, I started reading Icelandic beauty blogs (the names of which I can’t remember, unfortunately) and noticed that several women claimed the secret to their beauty was the fact that all Icelanders take Cod Liver Oil every morning from the time they’re small children. When I read that, I remember thinking something along the lines of “gross” and also “I need to do that.” Thus began my descent into the dark underworld of dietary supplements JK it was more of an ascent into the heavenly world of NUTRIENTS!

Now I take up to eight supplements a day, depending on my level of employment. The less employed I am, the more time I have to focus on important things, like Vitamin B12! In fact, I’m so desperately unemployed right now that I’m well on my way to achieving every woman’s goal of completely replacing food with pills and powders. Eat your heart out, Gwyneth Paltrow!

Here’s my daily regimen of supplements, in case you’re interested. (If you’re not interested, I honestly can’t imagine why you’re still reading this. You must have better things to do.) Most supplements should be ingested with food, so I usually take mine immediately after a meal.

Morning

1T of Ground Flax Seed: I put this in my smoothie because it contains healthy fats and helps with digestion (and I’m obsessed with digestion).

1t Cod Liver Oil: After my smoothie, I take this depending on my finances (it’s expensive! My financial goal is to be able to take it every day).

Afternoon

1 Probiotic: It helps with digestion (seriously, I’m obsessed with it) and I also heard my gynecologist telling another patient it helps with pussy health too (I’m also obsessed with pussy health).

1 Multivitamin: I take SimplyOne for Women, which I buy at Whole Foods. It’s a giant horse pill that makes my pee neon yellow and I take it every other day or so because sometimes I want a nice soft yellow pee, you know?

1 Vitamin C Pill: I only take this if I’m feeling sinusy, if it’s a time of year when I normally get sick or if I’m worried I’m going to get a UTI (did you know it helps with those?).

1 Cranberry Pill: Again, I only take this if I’m worried I’m going to get a UTI because no matter what color my urine is, I don’t want my pussy to feel like a blowtorch.

1 Calcium/Magnesium Pill: I take this because I’m a woman with bones! I’m not sure what the Magnesium is for, but I assume they put it in there for a reason.

1 Vitamin B12 Pill: I take this only occasionally because I eat a lot of eggs, and they supposedly contain a lot of B12.

Evening

Chocolate is the only vitamin I need lol *shoots self*.

Is my supplement consumption a red flag? Probably! Do they even work? Possibly! Flax and probiotics definitely work, and cranberry and vitamin C both seem to help with UTIs. Other than that, honestly I don’t know! The multivitamin seems to do what multivitamins should do (which is…???). I guess I’ll find out if calcium works in like 30–40 years. I think B12 gives me energy, although it might just be the placebo effect, but that can be worthwhile too, right? I’m not sure if Cod Liver Oil does anything, but now that I’ve bought the lemon flavor (do NOT buy unflavored fish oil! It tastes, unsurprisingly, like fish oil), I don’t mind taking it, and Icelandic people are so beautiful!

Most nutritionists say if you eat a healthy, varied diet full of vegetables, you’ll get most of the nutrients you need, and I’m a pretty healthy eater, but I’m still never sure if I’m getting all the vitamins my body needs. For example, I don’t consume a lot of dairy so while I get calcium from leafy greens, I’m not sure I get enough. I’d love to get probiotics from kombucha, but that’s a luxury I can only afford once or twice a month, so taking it in pill form is much cheaper.

Anyway, it may seem crazy that I take so many supplements, and it may be crazy! But I believe in them, and maybe that’s enough? Plus, I definitely think that beauty comes from within, by which I mean from within your guts and blood and shit. In other words, I believe that whatever goes into your body will show up on your body. So if you eat a lot of greasy cheeseburgers, for example, you’ll slowly become part-cow and cows are like, not that hot JK but I truly believe beauty starts with a healthy diet.

Maybe I’ll get a (paying) job soon and be too busy to focus on my supplement intake. Perhaps one day I’ll be able to afford nutrient-packed stuff like green juice. As long as I’m poor and barely employed as a dog walker, however, you can find me popping pills after lunch while I stare out the window, thinking about all the dumb shit I spent money on when I had it. Haha no really, I’m fine!

As always, I’d like to clarify that this is NOT a sponsored post. I received nothing for it and am in fact broke, in case I haven’t made that clear yet. Still, if anyone is reading and ever wants to give me literally anything for free, dietary supplement or not, I WILL TAKE IT!!!!!!

Anyway, I hope this was helpful. I’ll be back with more unsolicited recommendations soon!