A Cover Letter That Shows I How Much I Want This Shitty Job

While job hunting, I recently found a Copywriting job that included this in its description: “No introduction in your email is a sure way to get passed over by us… You’re a writer — write something that shows us that you care!”

“Wow!” I thought. “This must be some job if they insist you put that much effort into your cover letter!” I read on and saw buried in the fine print at the bottom one very interesting bit of information: “Our starting compensation ranges from $14 — $17 per hour and is dependent on experience. If you have limited online copywriting experience, please don’t expect $17/hour to start.”

Though I’m overqualified for the job (they require two years of work experience. I have…more), I was suddenly overcome with the urge to write something that, as they would say, shows this company I care. So I sent them the following email.

To Whom It May Concern,

Fuck you. Fuck you straight to hell, you fucking morons. Paying a college-educated professional with at least two years of work experience so little is absolutely disgraceful, but to expect them to work hard on their fucking COVER LETTER in order to secure such a low-paying position is an unforgivable act of degredation.

It’s one thing to refuse to pay employees a living wage — but to act like they’d be lucky to work for your shithole company? Like any Copywriter should be grateful to get a foot in the door writing advertising copy for you assholes? Wow, you’re a piece of shit company run by piece of shit people. This job listing reads like it was written by a bully and whoever’s responsible for it should be fired immediately and shoved in a fucking locker.

And before you try to pull some “you have to pay your dues” bullshit on me, please know that I’m not some spoiled little millennial who thinks she deserves more than she’s worth. First of all, I’m old as hell. Secondly, my first job out of college, I worked at a major media company (way bigger than your sack of shit small business) making $11 an hour. I know what it’s like to work 14 hour days and still not be able to pay your (extremely cheap because you can’t afford to live somewhere nice) rent. I’ve put in my time, I’ve sucked the corporate dick, and now YOU MOTHERFUCKERS CAN SUCK MINE!!! FUUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUU!!!

I do, however, think I’d be a great fit for the position. I appreciate your consideration and I hope to hear from you soon!

Thank you,
Mary Cella

Fingers crossed I get the job!

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