My Barre Instructor Translates My Physical Ailments


  • My legs are shaking: This is your body telling you that it’s not yet perfect.
  • I’m dehydrated: Your body is reminding you that if you take a break now to get water, you’ll never have a boyfriend.
  • My sides are cramping: The excess fat causes cramping, not the ten minutes we’ve spent in side-plank.
  • I have sweat in my eye: You need to cry it out. And then cry about that time you got brutally dumped in the food court of Westfield Mall.
  • I sprained my ankle: You sprained your fat ankle.
  • My throat is so dry: That’s fine, just stop running your annoying mouth. Try running outside instead.
  • I would prefer yoga: You’re weak.
  • My knees lock when I plié: You’re putting too much weight on your left leg. And your right leg. You weigh a lot.
  • I can’t breathe: Your last boyfriend left you for a younger woman.
  • You remind me a lot of my mother: There’s no way we have the same genes.
  • My hair is falling out: Get your butt down lower. And make it smaller.
  • I think I have the flu: The flu causes an appetite reduction, so take it if you can get it.
  • Do you have to say my name in front of everyone when you criticize my technique? Did I even tell you my name? Yes.
  • What if I have cancer: I can’t diagnose you. I’m not a doctor, but I am a size 2.
  • Bar Class is killing me: It’s “Barre” — 2 Rs and an E at the end. Not “Bar” like where you go drinking, which you do, a lot.
  • How’d you know how I spelled it in my own thoughts? You also texted it to your friend. Put your phone away during class.
  • I’m dying: You’re going to need an extra large coffin.
  • I’m literally dead: We’re about to finish the warm up.
  • My (Now Former) Friend Translates My Complaints About My Barre Instructor: You’re being too sensitive. She just told you to keep your butt down in plank.

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