My Best Guesses As To What A Paraben Is


I try to buy only all-natural beauty, skin and haircare products, all of which proudly tout that they’re “paraben free.” Therefore, I would never buy anything with a paraben in it because…they’re…bad? Huh, I guess I don’t know what these evil creatures that lurk in drugstore lotions even are. Here are my best guesses as to what the fuck a paraben even is.

  • Some kind of worm.
  • Bread.
  • …ranch?
  • Radiation.
  • Gel.
  • A small country in South America.
  • A small non-profit.
  • Germs.
  • Silicone.
  • Sugar.
  • A cancer-causing chemical.
  • A cancer-causing mineral.
  • A cancer-causing something else.
  • Cancer.
  • Whatever the opposite of makeup is.
  • 8th grade.
  • A pair of guys named Ben haha you know I had to do it.
  • Non-organic dirt.
  • Cheese.

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