How To Quit Drinking But Not Lose Any Weight, Save Any Money, Or Improve The Quality Of Your Sleep

Hello, friends. I quit drinking last Tuesday, so you could say I’m some sort of guru. I actually have a lot of experience with quitting drinking — I’ve done it at least 10 times. So, yeah, I’m better at quitting drinking than any of you. I’m putting my 10,000 hours in. I also have a special secret. A lot of times when people quit drinking, they boast that they save money, lose weight, and even sleep better. Well, I’m a true believer, because I can quit drinking and not do ANY of those things. Here’s how:

  1. Replace drinking with food — you need something to look forward to at night, so just eat an extra meal! If you would normally have two drinks, each two extra meals. This will ensure you don’t waste away from lack of alcohol-calories.
  2. If you need to be holding a beverage to feel comfortable, buy a green juice. Averaging about $9/bottle, these are more expensive even than wine, so you can be sure your wallet will NOT be thanking you.
  3. Sometimes you need a little energy boost later in the day. Instead of reaching for a beer, drink a redbull or two. This will wake you right up, and keep you awake all night. No alcohol? No problem. Just because you’re not drinking doesn’t mean you should be sleeping any more.
  4. After a long night of not drinking, reward yourself with a $20 uber back to your apartment. You had no alcohol, so you deserve to waste the same amount of money on something else! Or more!
  5. Bonus: You can also use not drinking as an excuse to cannibalize your social life. Don’t go out ever, or you may be tempted to drink. This includes the weddings of friends and family.
  6. Don’t drink but instead take $20 and throw it out the window.
  7. Snack more, even if you don’t want to.
  8. Stay up all night thinking about how sober you are, and then keep snacking.
  9. Once you start to feel better about yourself, enhance that feeling by donating half your salary to Lebanese orphans.
  10. Quit your job!
  11. Eat more McDonalds!
  12. Start watching Modern Family! You’ll never sleep again, that show goes on forever!
  13. Take some time for yourself. You deserve it. You quit drinking.

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