Please don’t take my self assured unavailability and impassioned disinterest the wrong way. You honestly seem like a genuinely dandy potential romantic lover and partner. It’s just that, right now, I really need to take some time to focus on my new Pink Himalayan Rock Salt Lamp. I just purchased my first one, and I really want to get to know it better. You may very well be a non-toxic individual, but you can’t possibly be less toxic than my majestic, all ailment-healing, Pink Himalayan Rock Salt Lamp. In fact, any remotely positive dating experience I’ve ever had (they’re incredibly rare) is torture in comparison to the joyous vitality I expect to experience upon getting to know my Pink Himalayan Rock Salt Lamp. Hmmm, that’s a pretty long name to call my new friend. Perhaps I should think of a cute pet name…
Anyway, I’m just so done with sleeping with strangers, staying over, and lying awake in sleepless agony as they violently snore, despite sporting a medically prescribed sleep apnea Darth Vader mask. I simply cannot forgo my beauty REM cycles for the sake of mediocre sex anymore. Luckily, my Pink Himalayan Rock Salt Lamp apparently emits a magical, mountainous Himalayan dream ray that makes my eyelids flicker shut in seconds. No more insomnia-ridden one night stands and subsequent midnight existential crises for me! Thank you, lampy. (It’s something I’m trying…)
Oh, and if a lover of mine is ghosting me, I cannot help but plummet into an ocean of heart numbing sadness. Being ignored in the dating world is so depressing. But, guess what? My Pink Himalayan Rock Salt Lamp never neglects me. In fact, when I’m near its pinkish crusty surface, the concept of dark, inexorable melancholy seems fully alien to me. And get this, my little lover lamp actually releases serotonin molecules into the air around it, so I can kiss my bouts of self loathing goodbye, whilst I simultaneously kiss my lamp and throw away my mood stabilizers. I’ve never been so happy, my wittle Himalayan salt baby. (Something else I’m trying…)
Come to think of it, my dating issues aren’t just emotional. They’re physical too. Having random pornographic intercourse simply punctures my lungs to the point of total aerobic breathlessness. Plus, let’s face it, most of the dating world’s all-star sex robot people live in mold infested lofts. (super bad for inhales and exhales) Did you know that my beloved Pink Himalayan Rock Salt Lamp legitimately improves my respiration? When I lay my lips on its fairy dust sodium chloride deposits, my nasal passages and lungs unfold like virgin lily blossoms, and I’m able to take what feels like my first deep breath in years. Thank you, exotic rock salt bae! (We’re getting there…)
Speaking of physical dating issues, I’m so tired of legitimately never orgasming beneath the bodies of my various sexual partners. If I had to guess, I’m not exploding because the blood that’s supposed to rush to my vag during sex, simply sits in my depressed uterus and pools. Good thing having my Pink Himalayan Rock Salt Lamp at my bedside, effortlessly increases my blood flow. When I place my lamp on my pelvis and go to town on my lady parts, you better believe my hemoglobins rush straight to my gal flower and explode with the greatest of ease. Thank you, salty bedmate lamp boo. (This might be the one…)
The more I get to know my PHRSL, the less I feel the need to put myself out there. I mean, my lamp clearly gives me everything that a romantic partner never could. I’m sleeping. I’m smiling. I’m breathing. I’m orgasming.
So, when I say “hiatus” from dating, I more mean that I’m done with dating…forever. That’s right, getting to know my beloved lil’ lamp has made me realize that I’m ready to commit to the love of my life, the giver of all my needs, the undoer of all my damage… my adored Pink Himalayan Rock Salt Lamp.
Goodbye human lovers. This is for the best. After all I’ve been through, I can now be sure that I can only love one being. I love you, my sweet Pink Himalayan Rock Salt Lamp Life Partner. (Now that’s the one.)