Please Like Me, Unless You Like Everyone, In Which Case, I Don’t Care


Hi new friend. I really, really want you to like me. It’s so important that you like me in particular because I think you’re so cool. I just want your approval and acceptance so badly! However, if you are the kind of person who likes everybody, then feel free to ignore me forever.

The whole point of friendship is to feel good about yourself because you’ve gotten someone to like you without having sex with them. That’s a huge deal! I want to feel accomplished when I enter a friendship, so it’s very important to me that you only like me and not many other people. To be my friend, you have to be exclusive about who you like. If you’re like one of those people at Church who genuinely likes everyone, then get lost.

Look, I’m not saying this has to be an exclusive relationship. You’re totally welcome to like other people as friends. You just can’t like that many people. Like, if we go to a party together, you have to be at least a little annoyed about how many non-friends you’re going to run into. If the party has more than 10 people, say. Or less than 8.

Are you some sort of religious freak? Is that why you show kindness to all? Well I’m here to tell you — cut it out. If you want to be MY friend, you’re going to need to start being a bitch to somebody else. Like, who even applies to colleges with 90% acceptance rates? It’s kind of like that.

But just be careful — if you start being mean to Katie, I’m going to have to exile you forever. Or Harry, or my mom. But here’s a puppy — kick this instead, new friend.

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