Corporate Emails Written In The Style of Dog Walking Texts

After nine long years in the corporate world, I’m now living my truth as a writer and comedian. In other words, I walk dogs now. When I was a CNN producer, my emails were short, curt and honestly pretty mean sometimes. Now that I’m a dog walker, I text baby talk to strangers about how cute their puppies are. Below are some of my CNN emails translated into dog walkese.

Hi 😃,

I just sent you a little video request but wanted to explain it more, if that’s OK with you? Thanks! 🙏

What I need (if it’s OK!) is for you to show the images of the man’s dead body, but blur out his furry little face — we just want to see the stab wounds. Ouch, poor little guy! If it works with your schedule, could you possible zoom in on the wound that’s oozing blood? It’s just such a cute little sweetheart, I love it so much!

Mary 😍


So, I just watched the video, and it was such a little honey bunny! I do need you to make a few changes (if it works for you!), even though it’s a perfect little sweetheart and I love my little honey bunny so much.

First of all, the face isn’t blurred enough. I can still see those pretty little puppy dog eyes 😍. We shouldn’t be able to see that gaping hole in his head at all, even though I wuv dat wittle face so much.

Secondly, when you zoom in on the wound, we can’t see the blood gushing, and omg the gushing is the cutest part lol! It breaks my little heart every time— such a sweetie!

Just lmk when you can make those changes and give her a good pet for me!


Hm, just watched it again and I’m not sure what’s going on. It went #1 and #2 today several times, but it just won’t roll over let me see those big old wounds. Maybe it’s still in pain from getting spayed? Aww, poor little sweetie! Anyway, if you could recut to make sure we can see all the way to those sweet little bones, that would be great! Also — more blood please! It’s just so adorable!


HEY, video review just called me and they said you showed him actually dying, which we can’t show on air, no matter how much our little sweetie loves it. Honestly, you’ve worked here for what — 20 years? Get your head out of your cute little fluffy ass, Dave. This airs in 3fucking minutes so I’ll just fix it myself AS FUCKING USUAL.

You’ve been a BAD BOY. A very, VERY BAD BOY. You better behave when I see you tomorrow or no treats!

And you better believe I’m going to kiss that wittle furry pretty face though, so watch out, mister!


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