Suggestions to Improve Your Uber Rating, From Your Fellow UberPool Passenger


  1. Be on time and in the correct location for pick up.
  2. Refrain from eating or drinking in the car.
  3. When your fellow UberPool passenger asks for your number, don’t be such a wet blanket. Give it to him.
  4. Be courteous to the driver and other passengers.
  5. If the man sitting next to you in the back seat makes a joke about how UberPool is the new Tinder, laugh, and then say “yeah, except I never met anyone I liked on Tinder.” Then bat your eyes at him.
  6. If there’s already a man in the backseat but the front seat is empty, sit in the back with him. On his lap.
  7. The driver is allowed to choose the route. Your fellow male UberPool passenger is allowed to choose whether or not you engage in flirty conversation.
  8. Don’t put your headphones in. Don’t text while in the car, even if you have work emails to respond to. Don’t you have any manners?
  9. If another more attractive woman joins the UberPool, accept that the man in the UberPool is now going to focus all his attention on her. Now you can put your headphones in.
  10. Upon arrival at your destination, invite your fellow UberPool passenger in for a nightcap and some sex.
  11. This isn’t the subway- you can’t just “switch cars” because the man next to you is “masturbating.”
  12. Remember that you chose UberPool for a reason, and if you can’t afford your own Uber, then you can’t afford privacy and reprieve from sexual harassment.

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