Ten Secrets to Good Networking

Let’s face it. If you’re not networking all day, every day, you’re a failure. Don’t expect to achieve your dreams if you are only networking at “events,” or “socials,” or “appropriate business settings.” Do you want to be mediocre? Do you want to watch your friends succeed while you crumble into insignificance? I didn’t think so. Well, good news. Life itself, is your networking event. You’d be surprised how many opportunities for success you missed, when you thought to yourself, “…maybe it’s not the right time to hand out my business card.” Please. It’s always the right time. Start networking in the following settings, and you can kiss your unexceptional career goodbye!

  1. In a Quiet Uber Pool

It’s been 30 minutes, and no one in your uber pool has said a word. Why not break the ice and ask everyone what they do and how they got to where they are?

2. At Your Grandmother’s Wake

Come on, your grandma was 97 years old. People aren’t grieving at this wake, they’re partying. So when you kneel down in front of her formaldehyde scented corpse next to a bereaved guest, tap them on the shoulder and tell them about your screenplay. For all you know, this mourner could be the untapped well of money you need to get to South by Southwest.

3. In Your Therapist’s Waiting Room

Next time you see that older, hippie woman come out of Brenda’s office in tears, stop her, and tell her you’re a painter. She could be the friend of a friend of a friend of the gallery owner you need to get in touch with. If there’s time, doodle a quick sketch and scribble your website url in sharpie on her wrinkly palm. Don’t be shy! This is your future we’re talking about.

4. At Your Ex’s Wedding

Everyone thought you’d make a drunken, hostile scene at Leslie’s wedding reception, but surprise, surprise, you’re just casually handing out pocket sized headshots to the bridal party. Heck, those bitches might be casting directors!

5. During Downtime in a Threesome

You don’t know how you ended up being the guest star in this polyamorous Brooklyn couple’s sex fest, but they’re fully making love right now, and you don’t know what to do with your hands. You could pretend to pleasure yourself as he repeatedly enters her, but you should probably take this time to slip your resume underneath their pillow. Heck, these liberals sex fiends may very well be head honcho recruiters for your dream job in the non profit world. Once you drop that CV, you can go back to patting them both on the back.

6. While You’re Stuck in Traffic

Don’t waste your time treating your horn like a bitch and screaming in your car alone. Follow your dreams and tell the business woman in the Rolls Royce to roll down her window. She might seem upset at first, but not after you compliment her wealth and ask her how she obtained it. She’ll be flattered, and you might drive out of that jam with a new job.

7. On Line at the Post Office

Hmmm, looks like everyone at this post office is in a bad mood. What a great opportunity to strengthen your handshake game! Drop your package and introduce yourself to everyone. Don’t forget to make unbreaking eye contact and tighten your grip. Don’t lose confidence! Who knows; these sad folks could be rich white collar crime lawyers on the hunt for fresh paralegals.

8. With the Toddler You Babysit

Okay, so the 4 year old boy you babysit is one of Jack Nicholson’s bastard grand children. You really want to be an actor? Then don’t play house with this kid. Give him some real entertainment, and recite the monologue you memorized from The Shining. Let this baby know you’re a huge fan of his grandpa and casually leave it at that. To avoid seeming too desperate, try ignoring him until his mom gets home.

9. On Dating Apps

Dating apps are the new LinkedIn. If you’re using your Ok Cupid, Bumble, Hinge, Coffee Meets Bagel, or Pure (the app for casual sex) for actual romance, you obviously don’t care about your career. So please, stop sending nudes to these randoms and start sending them your resume.

10. At Last Call

Just because someone is blacked out, coked up, and throwing up in the corner, doesn’t mean you can’t get their email so you can send them your newsletter.

There you go, amateur networkers. While your friends are in places like the ones I mentioned, sitting on their asses doing nothing, you’ll be out there making your career happen. You’re no loser! You’re a winner! And WINNERS never stop networking, no matter where they go. Best of luck! #neverstopnetworking

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