Here’s Something I Like (Not that Anyone Asked): Coconut Oil

Hi, I’m Mary, and this is my column no one asked for about things I like!

Mary (me) in the wild (outside my building)

I know what you’re thinking: coconut oil is something obnoxious faux-bohemian girls who talk endlessly about their gluten allergies but will eat an entire bag of Cheetos in one sitting just because it’s Saturday are obsessed with (eyeroll). As one of those awful girls (women), let me tell you first of all that Cheetos are gluten-free and second of all exactly why I’m obsessed with coconut oil.

It seems like everyone discovered coconut oil six years ago and decided it could be used for anything: as a replacement for butter, a moisturizer, bike grease, a shoulder to cry on, anal. I started using it when I did the Whole 30 several years ago (which I wrote about recently — in summary I don’t think anyone should ever go on any diet but I think everyone, especially people recovering from eating disorders [i.e. women] should study the basic tenants of the Whole 30). Many Whole 30-approved recipes suggested cooking with coconut oil, which was a new idea for me because as an Italian, I excrete olive oil. Since coconut oil has a lot more saturated fat than olive oil and because I’m genetically pre-disposed to distrust anything that’s not made from olives (which is why I assume the worst of all politicians), I rarely cook with coconut oil, but when I do, it’s great! The only thing I regularly cook in coconut oil is Gwyneth Paltrow’s (DON’T JUDGE ME) gluten-free buckwheat banana pancakes, which are excellent, by the way, so fuck you.

There’s one other recipe I love that includes coconut oil. It’s for vegan, sugar-free fudge (seriously, fuck you), which is better than it sounds and will (almost) satisfy your sweet tooth. Here’s the recipe:

Sugar-Free Vegan Fudge (Fuck You)

3 T Coconut oil
6 Medjool dates
2–3 T Cocoa powder
1/2 Cup peanut butter

Put coconut oil and dates in a food processor and blend until you have a…lump. Then add the cocoa powder and peanut butter (I fill up 1/2 C but make sure it’s overflowing because I love PB, bitch!). Process it all together, then put in a container and freeze for at least an hour. Take it out and cut it into chunks (I think I usually cut it into about 24 little pieces). Eat.

The magic of coconut oil, however, is that it can be used for way more than just cooking. I’ve used it as an overnight conditioner (it makes your hair so soft) and a moisturizer (it’s great on dry areas like elbows and knees during the winter). One of my friends shoves it up her snatch sometimes because she swears it pH balances her pussy. I have other friends who use it as a lube. My favorite use for coconut oil, however, is as a makeup remover. Wow, I really buried the lead here.

For a long time, I used drugstore makeup remover, which was…probably very bad! It worked OK, but I’m sure it was full of chemicals. My eyes would often sting when I removed my makeup, which I eventually realized was likely a very bad sign. So I began to look for an all-natural makeup remover, which is not an easy thing to find. Eventually, I found one that worked OK, but it was expensive. When I ran out, I looked at the ingredients and realized it was mostly just coconut oil, which I’d heard worked well as a makeup remover. So I decided to just cut out the middle man and try to remove my makeup with coconut oil.

And guess what — it works great! In fact, I would describe coconut oil’s makeup removing abilities as borderline miraculous. Nothing else I’ve tried has been able to get my MAC lipstick to budge, but coconut oil removes it entirely — and leaves my dried-out lips nice and moisturized.

I expect this bigass jug of coconut oil to last me approximately forever

The best thing about using coconut oil as a beauty product is that it’s cheap as hell, relatively speaking. I bought a gigantic vat of it a few years ago when I was at Costco with my dad for about $10 and it’s still half full (notice I didn’t say half empty — I’m an optimist!). When buying coconut oil, make sure you get cold pressed and/or virgin rather than refined, which has less flavor and is often processed with harsh chemicals, according to random sites on the internet that I trust without hesitation. Wow — I just realized I might be that completely unreliable source you blindly trust, which is all I’ve ever dreamed of. Thanks for believing my nonsense! (If you don’t believe my nonsense, take your refined coconut oil and fuck off.)

As always, I’d like to clarify that this is NOT a sponsored post. I received nothing for it and am pretty sure no one gives a fuck that I give a fuck about coconut oil. Still, if anyone is reading and ever wants to give me literally anything for free, coconut oil or not, I WILL TAKE IT!!!!!!

Anyway, I hope this was helpful. I’ll be back with more unsolicited recommendations soon!

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