Hey y’all! It’s me, the youth pastor, Pastor Trevor (you can call me P-Trev if you dig) and I’m here to dish to all of you cool, courageous christian cats the real story about the passion of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ! Can I get a what-what! Amen, God is good! And so is rap music and funny Netflix shows! Anyway, let’s get rollin’.

This story is pretty lit, so you’re gonna want to put down the Facebook and pick up the Gracebook! That’s the Bible, bruh!

So imagine you’re the main-man Jesus, right, you’re over there in Israel just hanging out spreading the good word, and you’re tired ’cause you spent the day raising your homie Lazarus from the dead, ’cause that’s what you for the team! A miracle, right? Of course it was. But as they say in my ‘hood, miracles breed haters, and haters gonna hate. And that’s exactly what went down.

All of a sudden you get a text from your boy Peter that the leaders of the Jewish faith (the dudes YOU’VE been riding with all these years) all think you’re corrupting society and want to “cap” you in the streets. Oh heck-to-the-no! So what do you do? Get the squad together and use aggressive tactics to throw down and catch bodies? Nah, fam! That ain’t chill! Peace is the answer, brothers and sisters, no matter how wack the Jews are being! I know I say that every week, but in this context it’s even MORE apt!

So Jesus gathers together with the squad (all twelve of his realest homies) after spending some time in some garden doing his hippie-dippie thing, and he makes them all dinner and lets them know what’s good. One of the twelve, the most sus of them all, would betray him and he would eventually be killed. And guess what? That punk-ass Judas snitched THE VERY NEXT DAY! Real talk…don’t be like Judas. That dude is corny.

So here’s where the story gets super unchill, and I’m gonna take a second to address some questions you may have. I can see some of you guys are like “P-Trev, why are you sweating so much?” or “Pastor T, why are you holding that red electric guitar without playing it?” and all I can say to you is that it all comes down to the mystery of faith. Anyways, back to the story.

Judas snitches on my man Jesus and the Romans agree to find J.C. and crucify him, which was how they murked the baddest criminals back in the day. Cold blooded. But not only are they just going to humiliate him in front of everyone by nailing him to a big ol’ block of wood, they also beat his ass so bad that his friends couldn’t even recognize him. And to top things off, no pun intended, they stick a fat crown of thorns on his head. I know. Mad unchill.

So eventually he’s up there on the cross, you’ve seen the movie, and he’s really not feeling too good. But even in that time of unbelievable agony — and I mean he was hurtin’, yo, no Tylenol back then, you feel me? He’s up there spitting up blood and bile but STILL manages to also spit some fiery truth. He’s mad at his pops (God), mad at the Jews (his old squad), mad at the Romans (they know how to party), but he STILL forgives everybody right before he takes his last breath and K.O.’s right there in front of the crowd. If he had a mic, he woulda dropped it.

So obvs everyone is tight and bummed out about the whole ting, wondering what to do next, not sure where to go now that their homie Jeezy died in those streets. But just when it was all about to get weird, Jesus walks out of his damn tomb for one last tour! My man pulled a Dave Chappelle and came back right when everyone thought he was done-zo for good!

And that, fam, is why we are gathered here today. Easter Sunday celebrates the day that my man Christ proved to all the haters that he was indeed the son of God, and not only that, he brushed them off his shoulders like it wasn’t no thang. Boss. Status.

Anyways guys, it was an honor to be your youth pastor these past few years, but as you may have heard I was not re-hired due to “confusing sermons” and “pandering so obviously that it became uncomfortable”, whatever those even mean. If anyone wants one last ride on my dirtbike before I head out, see me after church, but until then, stay real, stay wavy, and Happy Easter, y’all!

Oh, and no…I will not be coming back in three days! Haha, very funny question, little man. Peace!