Who I’d Like To Exclude From The 2020 Census


The Trump administration announced last week that it would add a citizenship question to the 2020 census. If Trump wants to exclude people from the official tally, I’d also like to have some holdouts.

  • Ben Affleck: I’m tired of him being such a sad-sack. Maybe if he had a little census-scare, he’d wake up and realize things could be a lot worse.
  • My mom: She asked if I was still going to the gym. We can let her back in in 2030, but a little time-out never hurt anyone.
  • Anyone who says “adulting” out loud: It’s bad enough on Instagram. These monsters simply don’t deserve to be counted.
  • Randy who didn’t want a second date: Without him I have a 100% second-date acceptance rate (among US residents). Oh, actually, now that I think about it — we need to get rid of Jasper too.
  • My friend Kate: She asked me to put her on this list because apparently she’d get some sort of tax cut if she weren’t counted? I don’t know — she has way more money than I do. I don’t even know how to pay taxes.
  • Anne Hathaway: It’s time for her to go away.
  • Vegans: Ok, hear me out. I don’t hate vegans at all (well, I do, but that’s not the point). The census is all about allocating tax dollars to places that need them, and vegans make a huge fucking deal out of how cheap veganism is because it doesn’t include any animals or happiness, so why should they need tax dollars? Also, they’re all so skinny they barely count as people.
  • Most men
  • Me: I’m kind of over this country anyway.

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