Ever since Cher pioneered this technique in Clueless to get the attention of a gay man, we’ve all known sending gifts to ourselves is a great way to get noticed. Flowers and chocolates were so 1994 — now it’s all about the fan emails. I’d love to be able to tell my Instagram followers that I’m receiving a lot of adoring messages, but I’m not. So I wrote some to myself. Follow me @ginny2357 (my first name and the first four primes) to see them live in action. And yes, all my fans do link back to my original article so that I get more hits. That’s just what good fans do!
I read your Little Old Lady piece entitled A Meditation For Watching TV, and I couldn’t help but think — that’s a girl with whom I share a deep spiritual connection. A little bit about me — I’m single, handsome, and rich. I also don’t make jokes, I only laugh at them. Would you like to go on a date?
Beautiful princess — I saw your piece How I Learned To Embrace The #nomakeup Movement By Buying $150 Fake Eyelashes, and I couldn’t help but notice that you have the most gorgeous eyelashes and sense of humor. Can I buy you an apartment sometime?
I laughed out loud several times during your piece “Drafts Of Fanmail I’ve Written Myself To Put On Instagram To Make Me Look Cool”. #meta. Would you marry me?
Ginny everything you do is so funny! I’d love to sponsor your work and make you famous. Would you like to write for my next TV show, because my current one isn’t very good? Also, can I put babies inside you?