A Day In The Life Of A the_donald subreddit Monitor
6am: Alarm goes off. You see only 8,533 notifications and roll over. It’s going to be a slow morning.
7am: You’re out of bed and cooking a hearty breakfast of eggs and Breitbart headlines.
7:30am: You respond to a request to ban someone for making fun of Jared Kushner in the_donald. You look at their previous reddit activity — they’re involved in a few pro-gay groups, and you ban them immediately.
8am: You skim the headlines on the_donald. Good, good, but it seems unfair that the mainstream media hasn’t yet picked up on this touching story of a Trump supporter in Indiana adopting a stray dog.
8:15am: You contact the New York Times and ask if they’ll make this stray dog story a front page thing. They don’t respond, and they never will.
9am: You notice a comment fight has broken out under a headline entitled “SPLINTER THE CIA INTO A THOUSAND PIECES AND SCATTER IT TO THE WINDS!” posted by Gadotboobies. You check to see what the commotion is about — ah, no worries. They’re just questioning whether or not there’s enough wind in Iowa to successfully scatter CIA ashes. Seems like there’s not.
9:15am: Pee break.
10am (yeah, you got locked in the bathroom): You realize one of your favorite accounts, girlcockboycockEIEIO has gotten suspended for posting too quickly. You look to see what they’ve posted so far today, and it seems like they’re posting once for each of Trump’s accomplishments this year. You unsuspend them because you know they’ll be done soon, and also people need to know about this guy in Indiana who adopted the stray dog. That’s an achievement of Trump’s, ya know?
10:30: You look up the definition of the word “consensual,” and then, disgusted, you delete the post about it.
11am: You respond to a request to permanently ban an immigrant posting an anti-Trump article. You respond by banning her. Not from the subreddit, from the country. You have a lot of power! And she actually only posted the article on her personal Facebook page.
12pm: You get called in for a meeting at the White House because Trump wants to know how the two of you can work together going forward. Also, he’s upset that his post in r/unicornmemes was taken down because it was flaired incorrectly. You apologize profusely but tell him you only have control over 1 subreddit. He also wants to brainstorm ways to make the polls show that he has the highest approval rating in history, higher than everybody else ever and in the future. You tell him you’re working on it.
1pm: You use your 15 fake accounts to upvote a post calling for violence against social justice warriors. You justify this by convincing yourself they’re not real people, they’re just a millennial trend.
1:30pm: You are forced to delete an entire thread of Republicans complaining about Trump’s statements about DACA. He said he’d give immigrants amnesty, which you know in your heart is wrong, but you also know that your job as a moderator of the_donald means you must protect him against any and all insults.
2pm: You write a post clarifying that the “no racism” rule doesn’t apply to the Middle East, obviously. It’s insane how people don’t understand these rules — you’re not getting paid enough for this shit. In fact, you’re not getting paid at all, but your mom isn’t planning on kicking you out of her basement anytime soon, so you’re ok.
2:30pm: You cue up a few anti-Muslim posts in the likely event that there’s a mass shooting this week. Always great to get a headstart on a light day!
3pm: You realize a funny way to change the name “Black Lives Matter” would be to instead make it “Black Lives DON’T Matter,” and you giggle to yourself as your wit. You want to immediately post this, but then you realize it’s been posted before. Members of this community are so clever!
3:15pm: Pee again!
5pm: You receive verbal complaints from a number of Trump supporters who claim they are unable to participate in the_donald because they don’t know how to read. You brainstorm how to involve these loyal constituents.
5:30pm: You redirect a few redditors to “fatpeoplehate.” Their hearts are in the right place but they didn’t realize this is a subreddit for politics.
6pm: You get a complaint that members of your subreddit are organizing a violent protest in Arkansas. You mark the complaint as “spam” but remind the redditors that violent protests are fine as long as they don’t lobby for any violence against animals or white people.
7pm: After a long, hard day, you kick back with a couple of Coors lights and watch the finale of “This Is Us.” What a heartwarming story of a classic American family!