Notes for Mark Zuckerberg’s Testimony Before Congress
CONFIDENTIAL: TESTIMONY NOTES FOR MARK ZUCKERBERG (plz delete all data if given to you by a third party, thnx!)
Upon Entering Senate Chamber:
- Smile, but not too much.
- Sit at the table with your name on it.
- Sip the glass of water as if you require hydration.
- Clear your throat to command silence from the olds.
Once Spoken To:
- DO SAY: “Good afternoon, members of Congress. Thank you so much for the opportunity to come explain some of the exciting new features we’re introducing to make Facebook a safe and private place to share your entire life with the whole world.”
- DO NOT SAY: “I OWN YOU.”
If Questioned About User Privacy:
- DO: Unveil the features listed below.
- DO NOT: Threaten to dox the Senators.
(PS: Assume everything is on the record!!! Reach out to Jan and Steve in legal before offering any bribes!)
Features to Unveil:
Security Check Up
“This new feature uses your cell phone camera to photograph all of the locks, windows, and doors in your home — then securely uploads them to our advertising partners’ servers so they can recommend stronger, more expensive locks.”
Download My Data
“Based on extensive feedback we’re upgrading our tool for downloading all of your user data by adding advanced algorithms designed to calculate just how stupid we think you are.”
Political Ad Purchases
“Purchasing political ads will now require verification that you are, or (in the case of Republicans) once were, a human being.”
“This feature is a must-have for users concerned that their personal data may have been compromised: Simply opt-in on Facebook.com and our partners at the Internal Revenue Service will help make sure your financial information is safe by selecting you for a complete audit of your last 7 years’ tax returns (at your expense).”
“Many users have expressed concern that their social media feeds are turning into ‘filter bubbles’ or ‘echo chambers,’ but thanks to the News Feed’s new World Mode users can instantly translate any post back to its native Russian. Early adopters tell us it’s a great way to expand your horizons AND learn a foreign language!”
“Users love sending private messages on our Messenger platform, so we’re extending that experience to some of Facebook’s other core features, starting with Comments: Our new dedicated app with all the tools you need to comment on a post! Now posting a comment is just as easy as tapping Comment, downloading the Comments App, authorizing the Comments App, switching back to the Facebook App, tapping Comment again to switch to the Comments App, composing your Comment, and then tapping “Post” to download our new dedicated Posts App, which makes posting things even easier than before!”
“Still concerned that we’re harvesting your profile for sensitive information? Go ahead and delete Facebook. Really. I’m sure nothing bad will happen, especially not to your loved ones who may or may not have had a small explosive device implanted in between their top two vertebrae. Or if that sounds too extreme just try switching to Instagram for an hour or two!”
Chris Barlow is a writer, podcaster, and bedroom news anchor in New York City.