You Might Have Been His Prom Date, But I’m His Widow Who’s On Trial For His Murder

High school must have been a pretty great time for you. Mainly because you got to be with your amazing high school boyfriend, who you loved very much. You thought that you two were going to be together forever. But guess what, you broke up! And hahahaha, I got him! You’re probably wondering who I am, but you know full well who I am. I’m the one who got to wear the wedding dress, the wedding ring, and now, the vintage Chanel black mourning suit for when I’m on the stand as a suspect in his murder trial.

I would be lying if I said I wish it worked out for you two, but I’m a straight-up bitch who always wants to be honest. I’m so happy you two broke up! You totally thought everything would work out for you guys, but it didn’t! Woo-hoo! He chose me to be the love of his life. You could have never loved him like I did. Would you have taken out a $20 million life insurance policy two days before he died in a hot air balloon accident? No, but I, the obvious better choice did; all in the name of love. So while you, I don’t know cry in the girl’s bathroom, I’ll be rich… if the jury finds me not guilty.

I will admit I can be a jealous person sometimes. I hate that I missed out on doing fun high school things with him. Football games, pep rallies, and prom! You got to go to prom with him, and he probably lied and told you that you looked great! I will admit, it’s a hard pill to swallow, seeing as I’m the only woman he should be slow dancing with to “I’ll Make Love to You”. It’s something I have to accept, just like how this jury needs to accept my alibi. Besides, you obviously did it all for attention, so people would think you were popular. When I start to feel jealous I remember that you were only prom dress material. I am wedding dress material. I get to cherish him forever…mainly because he’s dead and will never love another woman again.

Even though we never met, and high school was 15 years ago, I’m the obvious victor here. You, the former, high school girlfriend are the unworthy loser. You might be thinking, why does this matter? Why does it matter? It totally matters because I WON! He’s mine, forever! Sure, you swapped spit for like two years, but what I had WAS REAL. I’m the one who’s on trial here for “potentially” staging a hot air balloon crash to look like an accident. Your wrist may have had a corsage, but my finger has a ring… and my wrists constantly feel the cold metal of handcuffs. So, suck it.

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