I received a promotion at work and no longer need the free drinks.
I’ll be back in 4 days.
I’ll be back next time my vibrator breaks.
I’m going to try to ‘meet people in person,’ which means I’ll gather my two remaining single girlfriends, go to a loud bar on a Friday night, elbow my way into 3 ciders, pee, and leave. I may pee twice, depending on the size of the ciders.
I think my sex partner of the last 3 years wants to get more serious.
There’s so much good stuff on Netflix.
Amazon Prime too.
My boyfriend hates it when I use Tinder to improve my self-esteem.
I kept seeing my coworkers. And not the hot ones, either. Or the ones you haven’t yet been fired for sexual harassment.
Tinder smart photos chose a picture of me and my sister, and so I deleted it forever. We look alike, I swear — why was that one the most popular?
I found a different Adderall dealer.
Not enough fish in the sea, ya know?
Not enough men with fish, ya know?
Just kidding — literally everyone has a fish.
I wanted more variety in men, so I decided to take the subway instead.