Honest Tinder Account-Deletion Options

  • I’ve given up.
  • I received a promotion at work and no longer need the free drinks.
  • I’ll be back in 4 days.
  • I’ll be back next time my vibrator breaks.
  • I’m going to try to ‘meet people in person,’ which means I’ll gather my two remaining single girlfriends, go to a loud bar on a Friday night, elbow my way into 3 ciders, pee, and leave. I may pee twice, depending on the size of the ciders.
  • I think my sex partner of the last 3 years wants to get more serious.
  • There’s so much good stuff on Netflix.
  • Amazon Prime too.
  • My boyfriend hates it when I use Tinder to improve my self-esteem.
  • I kept seeing my coworkers. And not the hot ones, either. Or the ones you haven’t yet been fired for sexual harassment.
  • Tinder smart photos chose a picture of me and my sister, and so I deleted it forever. We look alike, I swear — why was that one the most popular?
  • I found a different Adderall dealer.
  • Not enough fish in the sea, ya know?
  • Not enough men with fish, ya know?
  • Just kidding — literally everyone has a fish.
  • I wanted more variety in men, so I decided to take the subway instead.

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