Aaron Sorkin Writes The Facebook Congressional Hearings

INT. Congress — Day

A cocky Mark Zuckerberg (played by Jesse Eisenberg) approaches the stand.

SENATOR 1: Good afternoon, Mr. Zuckerberg. Thank you for being prompt.

MARK: (sarcastic) Well, I have nothing but free time.

SENATOR 2: Mr. Zuckerberg, do you know why we called you here today?

MARK: Tech support?

SENATOR 2: No. We called you in today because the American people think you’re misusing their data.

MARK: Well, the American people think a lot of things. They think pineapple belongs on pizza and the Kardashians belong on television. How do I know all this? Because I know everything.

SENATOR 3: Because you have everyone’s data?

MARK: No, because I’m a goddamn genius.

SENATOR 1: Mr. Zuckerberg, does the name ‘Cambridge Analytica’ mean anything to you?

MARK: (sarcastic) Yes, it means ‘Cambridge Analytics.’

SENATOR 1: Mr. Zuckerberg, may I remind you this is being televised to the American public?

MARK: Please. As if anyone watches basic cable.

SENATOR 1: Cambridge Analytica, Mr. Zuckerberg.

MARK: Look, Senator, I know you’ve done your research, so you probably know that at this point I could buy Cambridge Analytica and turn it into my daughters’ nursery. In fact I will, and I’ll have their PhDs teach my girls how to code, because I support women in engineering — shout to my main girl Sheryl.

SENATOR 2: Mr. Zuckerberg, are you aware that people are leaving Facebook by the dozens? Also, can you help me install an app update on my iPhone?

MARK: Sure, I’ll send in one of my guys.

Mark checks his phone.

SENATOR 2: Mr. Zuckerberg, do I have your complete attention?

Mark looks up.

MARK: I took an oath, so I don’t want to perjure myself. No, you don’t have my complete attention. Part of my attention was focused on texting one of my engineers to get him in here to install your app update.

STEVE — nerdy, awkward, young — enters.

STEVE: Senator, I can update your apps.

Senator 2 hands Steve his phone.

SENATOR 3: Mr. Zuckerberg, just how much data do you have?

MARK: Over 500 petabyes of data.

SENATOR 2: Speaking of pita, did anyone order lunch?

SENATOR 3: Mr. Zuckerberg, could you put that in terms we could understand? How much is it in, say, dollars in deficit, or people who lost their healthcare?

Mark leans closer to him.

MARK: Look, if you could calculate the dollar-value of Facebook, you would have accurately priced Facebook. Now if you want to stand on my shoulders and call yourself tall, I’m only 5’8″, so that’d be fine. But I’m not going to sit here and eat pita for lunch when I wanted Chinese food.

Mark storms off.

SENATOR 2: You know what’s cooler than one app update?

Everyone pauses.

SENATOR 2: A billion app updates.

STEVE: Actually, Senator, that would crash your phone.

Black out.

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