What I Really Meant When I Said, “Yeah, I Don’t Want Dessert Either.”

I really want dessert.

If you weren’t out to dinner with me, I’d be eating dessert.

I had my eye on the triple layer devil’s lava cake.

And was lusting after the rum infused cake pop.

And would’ve devoured that vanilla glazed tower of dark chocolate truffles.

Honestly, I wanted to order all three.

But, hey, you’re right.

We’re full.

We don’t need it.

Wait.

How are you… “full”?

You only ate a garden salad and you didn’t even finish it.

I’m literally staring at a pile of pristine, uneaten cherry tomatoes on your plate.

Why aren’t you offering them to me?

Do I have to embarrass myself and ask if you’re going to eat your tomatoes?

Tomatoes are sugary. I might just do it.

Wait.

You’re just pretending you don’t want dessert, right?

You don’t actually take care of your body.

This is just a ploy to make me feel bad about myself.

And I fell for it, the compliant idiot that I am.

You’re probably going to go home and shame eat smores pop tarts dipped in maple syrup.

Mmmm, sounds scrumptious.

If only I’d spoken up for myself.

You would have caved.

And we could both be elbow deep in chocolate, right now.

God, I’m a loser.

Why are you even out to dinner with me?

Look at you.

Your body is swimsuit ready.

You have a healthy infant’s complexion.

You didn’t bust out a wet wipe to get sauce off your neck.

Wait.

Maybe you legitimately don’t want dessert.

If that’s the case, what is wrong with me?

I ate an entire burger, chicken fingers, and a full plate of fries in under 10 minutes.

My pants are close to popping.

I am very close to farting.

In truth, I may be peeing.

My groin is numb from all the food, so I’m not sure.

Oh man, you’ve been talking about your life for about three minutes now.

I really don’t know what you’ve been saying.

But I imagine it’s inspirational, healthy, and entirely unrelatable.

Man, I still really want dessert.

Maybe when this is all over, I’ll go get a…

McFlurry.

Reeses Peanut Butter Cup.

Payday Bar.

Talenti Pint, Double Dark Chocolate.

Box of Cake Frosting.

Raw Cookie Dough Cylinder.

Tub of Old Brownie Batter.

Let’s pay this check and end this night.

I really, really need dessert.

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