I’m the East Coast weather, and I’d like to propose that we switch from a traditional four-season model to a newer two-season model. For centuries, we’ve had winter, spring, summer, and fall, but now I think it’s time to define those into two brand-new seasons: Terrible Winter and Even Worse Summer.
We intend to implement this model in several iterations. We’ll slowly chip away at months that traditionally constituted fall and spring, and we’ll discover whether or not they fit better as Terrible Winter or Even Worse Summer. You might remember our test case: October 2017. At first, we put October 2017 in the ‘Even Worse Summer’ column, but slowly we realized it might fit better as a ‘Terrible Winter’ month. We’ll experiment with September, October, November, March, April, and May until we find a new home for all those months.
We might encounter a scenario in which a month like March fits better as an Even Worse Summer month while April is a Terrible Winter month. Fear not — there are no requirements that Terrible Winter and Even Worse Summer happen continuously. We can switch between the two seasons as many times as we like throughout the year — sometimes even multiple times in the same day.
Goals and Objectives
We have a number of objectives in switching to a two-season model:
- Streamlining complaints about the weather: Now, the only two complaints anyone has to remember are “it’s too hot” and “it’s too cold.” How much simpler does that make small talk?
- Fewer college applicants from California: Honestly, the last thing East Coast Liberal Arts colleges need is more students from Los Angeles who want to experience “four seasons” but then spend all their time complaining about the cold. Stay where you are — the weather in LA is perfect.
- Open a competitor to the Four Season Hotel: The Two Season Motel.
- No longer do we have to remember that calling fall ‘autumn’ will make us sound more whimsical.
- The end of capris: Honestly, they’re ugly pants.
Starbucks is expected to lose $5 bn in revenue on Pumpkin Spice Lattes. To offset this loss, we’d like to suggest that Starbucks offer a new beverage “the Heated Ice Block-cchino”: A block of ice that quickly heats from the inside should the weather change from 77 degrees to 42 degrees in 30 minutes. Available in Tall, Grande, Venti, and Glacial.
Scott Pruitt single-handedly controls the weather, and he wants you to know that this is definitely not something humans are doing. What hubris to think that we, the plebs, have control over the weather, when in reality it belongs entirely to Scott Pruitt.
Estimated Project Schedule
This has already happened. Please pay us retrospectively for services rendered.