Things Instagram Has Convinced Me I Need

  • A fanny pack
    I didn’t know I wanted this until I started seeing ads for it every day.

  • $95 leggings
    I can’t imagine they’re any different from my $30 Gap leggings but now I have to find out.

  • A subscription to The New Yorker
    Ugh Instagram thinks I should be better-informed.

  • A dog
    It’s honestly shameful to be on this app without one.

  • A subscription to BarkBox
    The dog I don’t have deserves some treats.

  • The ability to digest bread
    Fuck that looks good.

  • Wine socks
    I hate these but if Instagram thinks I’m the kind of person who would wear them, I should have to buy them.

  • To freeze my eggs
    How does this fucking platform know how old I am???

  • To be Rihanna
    We don’t deserve her and yet I must become her.

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