Things Instagram Has Convinced Me I Need

  • A fanny pack
    I didn’t know I wanted this until I started seeing ads for it every day.


  • $95 leggings
    I can’t imagine they’re any different from my $30 Gap leggings but now I have to find out.


  • A subscription to The New Yorker
    Ugh Instagram thinks I should be better-informed.


  • A dog
    It’s honestly shameful to be on this app without one.


  • A subscription to BarkBox
    The dog I don’t have deserves some treats.



  • The ability to digest bread
    Fuck that looks good.


  • Wine socks
    I hate these but if Instagram thinks I’m the kind of person who would wear them, I should have to buy them.


  • To freeze my eggs
    How does this fucking platform know how old I am???


  • To be Rihanna
    We don’t deserve her and yet I must become her.


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