- A fanny pack
I didn’t know I wanted this until I started seeing ads for it every day.
-
$95 leggings
I can’t imagine they’re any different from my $30 Gap leggings but now I have to find out.
- A subscription to The New Yorker
Ugh Instagram thinks I should be better-informed.
- A dog
It’s honestly shameful to be on this app without one.
- A subscription to BarkBox
The dog I don’t have deserves some treats.
-
Plastic surgery
My followers deserve bigger titties.
- The ability to digest bread
Fuck that looks good.
-
Wine socks
I hate these but if Instagram thinks I’m the kind of person who would wear them, I should have to buy them.
- To freeze my eggs
How does this fucking platform know how old I am???
- To be Rihanna
We don’t deserve her and yet I must become her.
Little Old Lady Comedy 