One simple question you just HAVE to ask your next match

In an effort to break the cycle of online dating profiles that prominently display their Myers-Briggs personality type, I hereby propose a new system for easily classifying both potential Tinder matches and people you might actually enjoy meeting!

So, without further delay, I present our groundbreaking new scale for determining the general disposition of another human being:

What your ringtone says about you.

That’s right. It’s ringtones. RINGTONES. Because if there’s one thing that screams “2018, amiright??” it’s our cultural obsession with ringtones.

Here’s what yours says about you!

Marimba

You’re the kind of person who considers themselves “fun” and “easygoing” even though anyone who has ever met you would vehemently disagree.

Old Phone

You are either over 60 or have a handlebar mustache.

Old Car Horn

You definitely have a handlebar mustache.

Any pop song with lyrics

It’s a wonder you weren’t eaten by your parents as a child, because clearly you were raised by wolves.

Dog Barking

You have no idea how much everyone hates you.

Duck Quacking

You know exactly how much everyone hates you.

An Audio Clip of Jeb Bush Saying “Please Clap”

You were the 43rd President of the United States.

The Alarm Clock Sound

Technically speaking, the DSM-IV would classify you as a sadomasochist.

Unknown Because I’m Always On the Phone When Someone Calls

You have a bluetooth headset permanently pierced to one ear and work in the Financial District, but you almost definitely call it FiDi (don’t worry, you’re still a horrible person if you don’t).

Unknown Because No One Has Ever Called Me

You are either an extreme loner or under 25.

A Deadening Silence That Says “I Don’t Know What That Is and I Don’t Care to Find Out”

You are either my grandmother or my newborn niece, and either way I’m not changing your diaper.

---

Chris Barlow is a writer, podcaster, and bedroom newscaster in New York.