Questions For the 2020 Census To Help Me Find A Boyfriend


The Trump administration announced recently that it would add a citizenship question to the 2020 census. Trump claims it’s because we need to distribute tax dollars more efficiently, but critics say it will cause non-citizens to not respond. Still, the census is the only time in 10 years we get to ask every person in the country a question, and I’d like to add a few of my own for tax distribution purposes and also because I’m tired of being single.

  • Are you under the age of 35? The government needs to know how many millennials are out there hashtagging.
  • Do you live in a major metropolitan area? HUD wants to know if it should build more inner-city housing, and I’m not willing to commute for a first date, sorry.
  • Are you a vegan? I don’t hate vegans at all (well, I do, but that’s not the point). The census is all about allocating tax dollars to places that need them, and vegans make a huge deal out of how cheap veganism is because it doesn’t include any animals or happiness, so why should they need tax dollars? Also, they’re all so skinny they barely count as people. Also, I eat meat, and I’m not willing to change.
  • Are you also getting tired of Tinder? Japan’s government sets its citizens up (I read once) — why doesn’t our government love us like that?!
  • Do you drive, and would you drive me to work more mornings? The government needs to figure out where to build roads, and the census is a great way to help. In places where people drive a lot, sure, let’s add roads. Also, I’m sick of the bus.
  • Do you know which recycling bins are which? The EPA wants to know how to color-code them better, and I need a boyfriend who can explain it to me in a clear and not condescending way.
  • What are you doing Tuesday? The feds need to know if you’re employed. I want to know if you like tapas!
  • Do you own your own home? What, you think you’re better than me??
  • Do you use public parks for sex? Honestly, no one ever asks this question, but it’s really important to know who’s using the public parks for what. For example, in neighborhoods with a lot of people using the public parks for sex, maybe the government should throw in some free beds. Do you think using public parks for sex is gross? If so, this might not work out.
  • Do you have a dog? Not necessary, but a major plus. And the Parks Department wants to know who to blame for all the dog shit.
  • Do you have children, and do you want children? The Department of Education needs to allocate money for public schools in places with more kids. Also, I definitely want at least 3 kids, FYI.
  • Do you wash your hands after peeing? This is critical for knowing where to build new hospitals, and honestly, me neither. It’s a waste of water!
  • Is your name Ben? I’ve never had a good experience with a Ben (Affleck included), and I think it’s high-time the government stops supporting these scrubs.
  • Are you single, good-looking, straight, male, emotionally available, and close but not too close with your mom? This is important for population estimates.
  • You’re not the kind of person who wants to be on life support for like 3 years right? You’ll sign a DNR? Oh, sorry, I’ve just been informed the census cannot include leading questions.
  • Do you think you’d be able to love me forever? Actually, this one is just for tax-distribution purposes. I don’t need to know.
  • Did you want my number? Social security number, that is!

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