The Genesis Creation Story Remastered for My Menstrual Cycle

Day One

In the beginning, when God created my ovaries and fallopian tubes, my uterus was a formless void of darkness that looked sort of like a cow’s head, and it was weird.

Then God said, “Let there be blood”; and there was blood.

And God saw that the blood was good.

And there was evening and there was morning, the first day.

Day Two

And God said, “Let there be a pad in the midst of the watery blood, and let it separate the waters of blood from her underwear.”

And it was so.

And God called the pad Kotex . And there was evening and there was morning, the second day.

Day Three

And God said, “Let the blood beneath the ovaries be gathered together into one place, and this time, let a tampon appear.”

And it was so.

God called the dry cloth Tampax, and the red waters that were gathered together he called a bloody, congealed mess.

And God saw that it was good.

Then God said, “Let the lower lumbar put forth pain, searing pain, to yield screams and tears of the utmost salt.”

And it was so.

The blood brought forth such pains: cramps and aches of every kind, and in every part of my body.

And God saw that it was good.

And there was evening and there was morning, the third day.

Day Four

And God said, “Let there be moods in the soul of the woman to separate the real from the false; and let her moods shift violently for what will feel like seasons, days, and years.

And let the everchanging moods be obvious in conversations with the woman, to shed light upon her turmoil.

And it was so.

God made two types of moods- the quiet, rageful mood to rule my heart, and the openly hostile mood to rule my head, and both to rule my vag.

God set the bad moods in the soul of the woman, but also shed maniacal joy upon the woman, to unpredictably overtake my rage and hostility, and to yet again, confuse the real from the false.

And God saw that it was good.

And there was evening and there was morning, the fourth day.

Day Five

And God said, “Let the red waters bring forth swarms of cravings, and let chocolates fly above the lips, and into the mouth of the woman.”

So God created great cookies, cakes, and candies of every kind, on which I, the woman, binged.

And God saw that it was good.

God blessed the woman, saying, “Be full and bloated and fill the colon with gas, and let sugary crumbs multiply on her chest.”

And there was evening and there was morning, the fifth day.

Day Six

And God said, “Let the uterus bring forth fatigue and exhaustion of every kind.”

And God saw that it was good.

Then God said, “Let us make the woman think the red waters have ceased, and let her have dominion over her panties, outfit, bed sheets, and sex life. Then let the last of the blood return out of nowhere, slowly creeping out of her, for everyone to see.”

And God saw that it was good.

God blessed the woman, and God said to her, “These cramps will be monthly, and your bloodshed shall multiply, and fill your thongs and ruin them; and have dominion over your emotional disposition, and over your libido, and will disturb every living genital that moves upon you.”

God saw everything that he had made, and indeed, it was very good.

And there was evening and there was morning, the sixth day.

Day Seven

Thus the bleeding and the pain ceased, and all of my sheets were ruined.

And on the seventh day, when God finished the cycle, he rested from all the damage he had done to the woman, me.

And it was very good.

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