Scott Pruitt’s Earth Day Itinerary

7:24am- Wake up, put on top hat, turn on every light in the house.

7:45am- Start SUV in driveway, leave running, go back inside.

8:02am- Eat breakfast made up of veal and venison sausage, 12 (caged) egg omelet, side of Indonesian imported passion fruit, all served on disposable plates and eaten with plastic cutlery. To drink: four bottles of sparkling water and four plastic bottles of still water.

8:04 am- Throw most of breakfast away, not that hungry. All bottles go in trash can.

8:07am- Turn on air conditioning, open all doors and windows.

8:15am- Take nap upon bear skin rug made of a real bear that someone else killed.

11am- Wake up from nap, put top hat back on.

11:01am- Take shower.

1:30pm- Get out of shower. Style hair using five cans of aerosol hairspray. Put top hat back on.

2pm- Lunch time! Blue whale soup!

2:43pm- Call rich friend, get voicemail, leave message of self laugh-crying into phone for eight minutes.

2:51pm- Hang up phone. Adjust top hat, scratch head.

2:55pm- Take private jet out for a joy ride.

7pm- Return from joyride. Make sure SUV engine is still running, check that air conditioners are still on, ensure windows are all still open. (Typical walk through upon returning home). Check mail from the previous week. Give big fat kisses to every single piece of junk mail. Say a little prayer to the Lord Jesus our savior thanking him for this plentiful junk mail and all of the paper and the trees that are dying for it. Do happy little “dead trees” dance in living room.

8pm- Dinner time! Rhino stew!

9pm- Call a different rich friend. No answer. Leave message of self laugh-crying into phone for 11minutes.

9:11pm- Tell self “Friends like me! They are just busy today with other dumb stuff.”

9:45pm- After dinner cocktail: Artisanal Perfect Manhattan made with rye that has been infused with the sweat of a Borneo Orangutan, sweet vermouth infused with the blood of a Black Elephant, dry vermouth infused with the tears of a Galapagos Tortoise and cherry bitters imported that day from Tasmania just for this cocktail. Yum!

10:30pm- Bedtime. Set top hat on head of stuffed Snow Leopard that stands next to bed. Put on 100% cashmere pj’s. Get into bed under 100% down comforter made of the feathers of the last remaining Dodo bird on the planet. So cozy! Fall asleep and dream the dreams of a monster.

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