Humans have (arguably) evolved. Like, we used to be apes or whatever but now (some of us) have smooth skin. At this point in history, human evolution has shifted focus away from the biological and to the technological, which means that if we didn’t have certain technological advances, we’d probably have doper bodies. As such, here’s a list of technology I’d give up in order to have cooler shit on and in my body.

1. I’d happily give up: Digital car radios
   Car radios have advanced at an alarming rate in the past few decades. Just 40 years ago, most cars had a simple radio. Now, they have plugs and bluetooth and the little display will tell you which DJ is currently speaking on the satellite radio station you’re currently listening to as you get into a head on collision because you’re not watching the road.
   I’d rather have: Wings. If we had wings, we wouldn’t even need car radios — or cars. We could just fly around with our earbuds in.
2. I’d happily give up: Cell phones
   When I was in high school, no one had cell phones. You could disappear into the woods for days a time and no one would even notice except your parents and your school and maybe some of your friends. I never did that, but it was nice to the have the option. Now, people can contact you at any time and you’re expected to respond, even if you’re hiding in the woods because you probably get service there.
   I’d rather have: Claws! I could not only hide but survive in the woods with claws.
3. I’d happily give up: Netflix
   Almost everything on it is bad. I miss going to a video store, picking out a movie, having my mom tell me I was too young to watch such an adult movie, picking out another movie, having that one rejected too, then settling for a distant third choice. Those were the days.
   I’d rather have: Fangs! No one would tell me I couldn’t watch a movie if I had fangs.
4. I’d happily give up: Tinder
   I’ve never used it so what do I care?
   I’d rather have: Gills! I don’t even like swimming, but I probably would if I had gills!
5. I’d happily give up: Peanut butter
   I can crush those little suckers up myself.
   I’d rather have: Night vision. That would be sick.
6. I’d happily give up: Laptops
   This thing barely fits on my lap anyway.
   I’d rather have: Corkscrew penises. They might feel good!
7. I’d happily give up: iPads
   I don’t have one.
   I’d rather have: The ability to turn my head all the way around like an owl. I’d love be able to see guys checking out my ass.
8. I’d happily give up: Virtual reality
   I don’t even watch regular porn.
   I’d rather have: A spaceship. Wait — that’s technology. OK the more I think about this, the more I realize technology is actually pretty great. I guess I want…smarter brains that can design cool shit like spaceships. Let’s keep evolving, people!