New York Woman Wakes Up Early The One Day She Could Sleep In

NEW YORK, NY — A local woman who had been looking forward to sleeping late on Sunday woke up at 8 a.m. for some reason. “It’s so annoying,” says the woman. “I had to get up early for work every day this week, and Saturday morning I got up for pilates, but I just kept thinking, ‘Sunday, I can sleep in. I can sleep all day if I want to!’ Then I woke up at 8 and it’s like what the fuck?”

One local café was packed on Sunday morning, filled with other people suffering from the same mysterious problem. Says one man, “I totally don’t want to be here right now. I mean, it’s 9 a.m. on a Sunday. If I had my way, I’d be in bed for another three hours. But my body’s used to waking up at 7, and once I’m up, I figure I might as well be productive, so I came here to work on my novel, just like everyone else.”

“Actually,” chimed in another customer. “I’m working on my screenplay.”

According to a medical professional, waking up early when you really want to sleep in is a common phenomenon. “Once the body becomes accustomed to waking up at a certain hour, it has a hard time breaking out of that pattern. If you set an alarm for 6 a.m. every day, for example, you’ll likely wake up around that time without an alarm even if you go to bed at 2 a.m. which, to be blunt, really sucks ass.”

When asked how she’s going to cope with the lack of sleep, the woman said, “Probably just drink an extra cup of coffee ugh. I normally only have one cup a day and I’m actually trying to wean myself off of it entirely, but lack of sleep keeps interrupting my wellness journey.”

“Did she tell you she only has one cup of coffee a day?” asked a friend. “OK, I guess that’s like, technically true but that cup of coffee is a triple shot of espresso. She acts all self-righteous about it, but she’s basically drinking jet fuel. And don’t tell me she went on and on about weaning herself off coffee and her fucking wellness journey. That bitch needs to stop reading Goop! I mean, I read it too but like, as a joke. Although the recipes are always really good.”

“The worst part is that I have to wake up early again tomorrow,” said the woman. How early, exactly? “Around 8. Or 8:15. 8:45 at the latest. I freelance, so my schedule is pretty flexible, but I’m really busy.”

Said a bystander, under her breath, “8:45? I wake up at 6 every day, like an adult. These fucking freelancers.”

How does the woman plan to catch up on her sleep? “Ugh, I don’t know. I guess I’ll just try to go bed early tonight? Fuck, Westworld is on, and I really want to watch it, but I have a hard time sleeping afterward because I have sex dreams about cyborgs, which are hot but also disturbing, so I’ll have to stay up and watch an episode of something stupid like Somebody Feed Phil, but it’ll make me hungry so I’ll have to have a snack, and I have a hard time sleeping right after I eat…”

And so the cycle continues for the woman and millions of other bleary-eyed New Yorkers who trudge through this fair city every day — even Sunday.

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