Women Who Are Already Hot are Opting for No Makeup on Their Wedding Day

A new beauty trend is sweeping the nation, but this time the brush doing the sweeping doesn’t have any powder on it…

We’re talking about makeup, of course!

Throw this shit away, ladies! (If you are hot)

Forsaking the airbrushed pores and glittery lids of recent years, brides increasingly are opting to follow the “no makeup” trend on The Big Day.

We’ve already seen the “#nomakeup” hashtag take off on Instagram, but it has finally made its way to the wedding industry. I mean, world. Wedding world.

I know it can be hard to follow beauty trends. We used to say your face should be powdered, then we said it should be matte, and then we told you it should be dewy.

But now we don’t want any of that for you. There’s a new way to achieve perfection. It’s all about “no makeup” for your wedding, and letting your true self shine through.

Mysterious glow emanating from that top left corner, or from your natural beauty?

But only if you’re not an uggo.

“I just wanted to look like myself on my special day,” said Christine Price, 25, an interior design assistant in Wilton, CT.

“Looking at my college friends’ wedding photos, I thought they looked like wannabe Kylie Kardashians. And me, I’m more of a Kendall.”

Nicole LaVeau, 27, of New York, NY felt similarly when planning for her wedding on the Amalfi Coast.

“When women wear a lot of makeup, they seem to be trying to be something they’re not. And what they’re not is hot. They’re not hot. Which is why they had to wear makeup to start with. Sorry, what was I trying to say?”

As stated previously, it’s essential that you not be an uggo.

Wearing no makeup, especially on such an important occasion as one’s wedding, really only works for people who are naturally very, very beautiful. Like, “get stopped in the Mall of America and recruited to Ford Models” beautiful. The walking embodiment of every female-character-description-in-every-screenplay-ever-written beautiful. Pre-makeover Laney Boggs beautiful. Like, you could trick people into thinking you were just okay if you wore glasses and a ponytail, but it wouldn’t be very convincing.

According to Dr. Melinda Treadstone, a leading leader in cosmetic science: “The previous generation only cared about looking perfect. This generation is different. They care about being perfect.”

Women are getting married later, and are less naïve than they might have been in their youth. They are not as easily swayed by the wedding propaganda machine telling them to spend all of their money on makeup. They would much rather spend all of their money on skincare.

Instead of hiring a team of bridal makeup artists for her late summer nuptials, Nicole flew in Angelica Whitcomb, a high-end aesthetician-slash-dermatologist who runs a bicoastal business with clients in New York and LA.

Armed not with a bag of foundations, eye shadows, bronzers and lashes, but with mainly placenta-based facial products and surgical tools, Ms. Whitcomb set up shop in the bridal suite. With over 200 tonics and serums, Ms. Whitcomb serviced the bridal party for 8 hours leading up to and all throughout the rehearsal dinner and wedding. She removed the final sheet mask just seconds before the officiant told the groom “you may kiss the bride!”

Ms. Whitcomb has a wide variety of services. It is even possible to specify which celebrity’s placenta you would like to use in your facial (Ms. Whitcomb has many high-profile clients, and actually prefers to get paid in placenta.)

The truly dedicated begin these routines up to 36 weeks before getting married. Even if you’re still single, it may already be too late for you to start preparing for your no makeup wedding day.

Some brides opt for the full 3-month Martha Stewart treatment, which involves keeping your face wet for 24 hours a day. What this treatment really consists of is slathering Vaseline on your face all day every day for three months, so it’s best if you have nowhere you need to be, like a job, during this time.

Clearly, what this no makeup bride trend tells us is that it’s what’s on the inside that matters. Well not the inside, actually. I suppose we are still talking about the the outside.

What I mean to say is…it’s what’s under your layers of makeup that matters: your already-perfect model face.

And if you don’t have that, then you might not be hot enough, so head on down to Sephora, Sally Beauty Supply, or wherever you unsymmetrical peasants shop for your face paint. Unfortunately, as I said, this trend really does not work for uggos.

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