As a woman, I know better than to ever comment on another woman’s looks, even if I’m giving her a compliment. Also as a woman, I know no matter what I say about a man, he’ll interpret it as a compliment. As such, I’d like to praise the appearances of all the male members of the Trump administration while attacking their abominable characters because I know they’ll only pay attention to the former.
Vice President Mike Pence
I actually really like Mike. I think he’s very resourceful. But his winning smile is a collection of those he’s stolen from the many young boys he’s pushed into conversion therapy.
Secretary of the Treasury Steven Mnuchin
I actually really like Steven. I find him to be incredibly clever. But his skin is so flawless it seems the aging process is evading him as expertly as he evaded his taxes.
Secretary of Energy Rick Perry
I actually really like Rick. My understanding is that he’s shockingly competent. But he has a wise, distinguished face which belies all the completely insane and nonsensical statements that come out of it.
Attorney General Jeff Sessions
I actually really like Jeff. I feel he’s a true innovator. But he’s managed to turn his hatred of minorities into a potent paste which keeps his teeth the brightest shade of white power.
Secretary of Health and Human Services Alex Azar
I actually really like Alex. I judge him to be so proficient. But his chin is as strong as his opposition of abortion.
Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke
I actually really like Ryan. I’ve determined he’s enviably imaginative. But he has the youthful, glowing skin of a man who has never flown commercial, no matter how much it’s cost the government.
Secretary of State Mike Pompeo
I actually really like Mike. I take him to be impressively creative. But his eyes are the exact shade of blue of the oceans his dangerous foreign policies will set on fire.
Secretary of Labor Alex Acosta
I actually really like Alex. I find him to be unusually adept. But he has a forehead as large and unmoving as the class wage gap his policies reinforce.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Ben Carson
I actually really like Ben. I deem him to be astonishingly intelligent. But he’s taken every solid piece of architecture out of the urban areas he’s supposed to be revitalizing and used it to construct his perfect bone structure.
Secretary of Commerce Wilbur Ross
I actually really like Wilbur. I’m of the belief that he’s an extraordinary visionary. But he has a nose as strong and distinct as his attempts to cover up his financial ties to Russia.
Secretary of Agriculture Sonny Perdue
I actually really like Sonny. I reckon he’s extremely practical. But he’s harvested a rosy glow from the crops that have flourished as he’s used his political power to grow his agri-business.
Secretary of Veterans Affairs Robert Wilkie
I actually really like Robert. I’ve concluded that he’s enormously sensible. But his hair is as thick and full as his attempts to impede the investigation of the Iraq War.
Secretary of Defense Jim Mattis
I actually really like Jim. I believe he’s remarkably capable. But his eyes possess the wisdom of a man who should know that when you’re talking shit about your boss behind his back, a smartphone camera is always rolling.
President Donald Trump
I actually really don’t like Donald. I think he’s a terrible president. The thought of complimenting him in any way makes me want to vomit almost as much as the sight of his rotting tangerine face.