Spring has sprung! And of course, the season after spring is…swimsuit season! And if you are insecure about your bikini body, but a complete narcissist who is addicted to your own Instagram account, then here are some tips for taking the perfect bikini pic!
1. Wear sunglasses
This is a must. Non-negotiable, ladies! Not only do sunglasses hide squinting, lack of makeup and baggy eyes, but they also provide great protection for your eyes! The sun is really powerful so be careful out there. Remember to ask about your sunglasses’ UV protection information if you can’t afford polarized lenses.
2. Be underwater from the waist-down
Being in a body of water is a great remedy for cellulite, thunder thighs, untoned stomachs and a myriad of other things that are probably wrong with your body. Plus, it’s an inconspicuous way to show off your boobs without having to crop the photo to waist-up, which is an obvious and desperate tactic to flaunt your breasts. In this scenario, the water is your best friend!
3. Be underwater from your neck-down
Turns out your rack is subpar, and since it’s the beginning of the summer, you are so pale that your chest acne is clearly visible. Being underwater from the neck down is the best way to tease someone with the idea of your bangin’ swimsuit bod without actually having to prove that you have said bangin’ swimsuit bod.
4. Be underwater completely
Actually, your face doesn’t really bring much to the table either. Just go underwater right when the stranger handling your phone counts to 3 and hope that he doesn’t run away with your brand new iPhone.
5. Buy a really expensive cover up if you can’t be in the water
A designer cover up is the perfect excuse for your bikini pic to not be a pic of you in a bikini. You aren’t hiding your body! You are showing off your cover up! This is a great way to multitask shielding people’s eyes from your lumpy body as well as shielding yourself from inevitable body shaming.
6. Stand behind a large structure
People will think it’s really cute if you stand behind a giant palm tree trunk and just peep your head out! It’s playful and on theme. Even though your body will not be visible, keep your cover up on just in case.
7. Be the photographer (not of a selfie)
Take a photo of someone hotter and post that instead! There is a chance that some of your followers will be tricked into thinking that you are that hot.
8. Post a basic-ass photo of the sun setting over the water because the anxiety of take the perfect bikini pic is too much, and no one really cares to see you in a bathing suit anyway