How DJ Khaled’s, ‘I Never Go Down On My Wife’ Comment Helped My Vibrator and I Get Back Together.

With my vibrator, all my vagina does is win, win, win. No matter what.


Being a straight female in the New York City dating scene is NOT as satisfying as you think. I recently decided to take a break from a two-year serious relationship with Bullet, my vibrator. Over the last few months, I started to question if our relationship was really meant to last. Could a plastic, vibrating penis really be the one? And totally random… but could something DJ Khaled said actually help me figure out my relationship? Surprisingly, yes.

I thought that exclusively dating my vibrator might not be enough for me. We couldn’t really do normal couple thing like go to the same restaurant over and over again, or fight about something petty in CVS. Our relationship mainly consisted of incredibly bangin’ sex, centered completely around MY orgasm. Every. Fucking. Time.

We didn’t onlyyyy just have sex. We also liked all the same TV shows. HBO and chill was so easy with him! Bullet knew to NEVER bring up watching Game of Thrones with me. We both agreed that Silicon Valley only really needed three seasons, but we liked the characters, so we kept watching anyway. He and I even BOTH thought the guy for High Maintenance was a hot biking stoner boy, and we liked getting off to him sometimes.

My mom never really warmed up to the idea that that I was dating my vibrator. At first, I got a lot of condescending laughs. Then about a year in, she started to take it seriously, “I just don’t think Bullet is husband material. You’re 27, you shouldn’t be wasting your fertile years on a silly plastic boy toy. Grow up, Elizabeth.” I started to take her words to heart.

Maybe there was more to a relationship than a reallllllllly good vibe sesh. Maybe real boys had more to offer? So, I told Bullet that we should take a break.

I needed to let my pussy wings fly.

I started going on a lot Tinder dates. I got my swipe on, and had my choice of either super bro-y dudes, or ultra-trendy hipster boys who wear dumb hats. I mixed it up. I went on about 10 dates and slept with all of them. The one thing in common with all the dates was that sex was T-E-R-R-I-B-L-E! Only one dude even attempted to go down on me, and the rest of them thought they were heroes for rubbing my clit for 30 seconds. I had to finish myself off EVERY time.

I started to lose hope with dating, I knew I deserved so much more than these selfish Tinder boys.

Then on the internet this past Friday, an interview with DJ Khaled revealed that he has NEVER gone down on his wife. Not. Even. ONCE! He claimed that there are “different rules for men” regarding oral sex. This, like many other new stories recently, completely turned me off to men yet AGAIN.

I knew I needed to get back with my plastic, vibrating penis. It was late at night, so I whispered to the drawer of my night stand, “Hey, you up?” He answered right away. I told him that in today’s male climate, I couldn’t see myself with anyone BUT my vibrator. He completely understood.

Then Bullet went down on me and told me just how much he LOVES eating my pussy. With my vibrator, all my vagina does is win, win, win.

No matter what.

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