New York Woman Admits It Is Just Allergies After All

BROOKLYN, NY — A local woman who’s spent the last month sneezing, coughing and rubbing her eyes has finally admitted she’s not getting sick — it’s just allergies. The woman, who often makes a point of saying she didn’t have allergies as a kid, came to her realization when she agreed to take a Claritin after years of resistance. “Every spring and fall, I think I’m getting sick. I never actually get sick, I just feel like I’m getting sick.” How long do these symptoms last, we asked. “Two or three months. Maybe four.”

Though some think it’s strange the woman didn’t consider that the source of her suffering may be allergies until recently, she disagrees. “I didn’t have allergies as a kid, so I just kept thinking, ‘Wow, this seasonal cold I always get is so weird.’”

“All she did was complain,” says one friend. “Every fucking spring and every fucking fall, she’d whine for like three months about how she was getting a cold, but she never actually got a cold. And every fucking spring and fall, I’d be like, ‘Hey, you clearly have allergies.’ And she’d be like, ‘No I don’t — I didn’t have them as a kid.’”

Why did it take her so long to try Claritin? “I don’t like relying on medication,” says the woman. “I mean, do you know anything about the pharmaceutical industry in this country? It’s all about money. They just want to hook you on these drugs so you have to keep buying them, and I for one am not about to fall for that. Plus, I didn’t have allergies as a kid so like, why now?” When we pointed out that Claritin is a far cry from Oxycontin, the woman disagreed. “Is it? I’m not so sure.” When asked to explain herself further, the woman just said, “Think about it.”

While she refused to confirm if she’s taking Claritin every day, as recommended, one close friend says it’s been a battle. “I keep telling her you have to take it every day in order for it to really work, but every time I see her, she’s sneezing and wheezing and when I ask if she took Claritin, she always says, ‘I took it yesterday.’ I’m like how many times do I have to tell you that’s not how it works?”

Many more times, apparently, considering how often the woman sneezed during our interview. “OK fine — I’ll admit Claritin helps. Which is why I take it as needed, every two to three days when my nose gets so stuffed up I can’t breathe.”

“You’re supposed to take it every day?” asked one bystander. “Huh, I had no idea. I normally just take it when my trachea closes up.”

“I guess it makes sense all these symptoms are just allergies,” says the woman. “There are a lot of trees around. And flowers. And…stuff like that. What’s it called — vegetation? So I guess it makes sense I feel shitty because I’m allergic to it, but it’s hard to admit because I don’t want to be allergic to flowers and trees and other…vegetation (vegetations?). I don’t want to be allergic to spring and fall — those are the two best seasons. I want to go outside and breathe in the fresh spring air and have it fill my lungs without poisoning me, or giving me a headache or whatever. Plus, I didn’t have allergies as a kid, so.”

We hope the woman — and millions of others in this city who are currently suffering from allergies, whether they care to admit it or not — is able to find a way to enjoy the spring weather so she can step outside, stroll through the park in a light jacket and huff pollen with the rest of us.

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