Three words, people: location, location, location!
Ok let me dial it back because I sound like a cheesy real estate broker with a bad rug, working on commission. As for TV, setting can make or break the tone of an entire show. And if it’s a good show, welp, you better believe that I’ll want to dust the crumbs off my shirt, pick up my flat ass and move to the town it’s based in. Or maybe I’ll sit back down and just fantasize about doing so from my crusty couch. Here’s a list of places I’ve considered moving to because of TV shows I love, but will actually never move to because most of them are just filmed in a back lot at Universal Studios.
- Philadelphia, PA — I blame Danny DeVito for totally up-selling me on this one! I’d do whatever that hairy little meatball says… and I can say that because I’m Italian and feel I have a small claim on minority status. Not only do I love mom-n-pop (more like sister-brother-stepdad-n-friend) dive bars like the one in It’s Always Sunny, but I’m also so used to being surrounded by hot, emotionally unavailable men like Dennis. Where would I be without the Dennises of the world, who feel the need to assert their unsolicited opinion of how I resemble Big Bird? No offense Big Bird, you do important work.
- Stars Hollow, CT — I know, I know, it’s not a real town. But when I take my Adderall I can talk just as fast as Lorelei, so I feel like I could totally live there full time, although I’d probably run out of quirky pop culture references after a month and crash and burn… ummm worth it.
- Bon Temps, LA — I’ve always wanted to slurp a bottle of spiked synthetic blood on the bayou, and Bon Temps would’ve been the ideal place to do it. Too bad it’s another fictional place. Yet, something about that song in the opening credits makes the idea of becoming a vampire, moving to Louisiana and taking my pants off seem all too real for me. Home is where the pants aren’t as they say.
- Dillon, TX — Friday Night Lights made me want to play high school football in bumfuck Texas and find my very own Tim Riggins (plus or minus a few teeth). Sure people have told me time and again that I’m a woman lacking the coordination and upper body strength needed to play most sports, but what most people don’t know is that I actually enjoy football… well watching it… when I’m plastered. Clear eyes, full heart, can’t lose? More like glassy eyes, full beer belly = can’t move (off my couch).
- Orange County, CA — I grew up watching Mischa Barton overact on The O.C., and despite the fact that the show looks like it was shot in front of a live studio audience, the real Orange County is one of the few places I could actually see myself living in — mostly because I’m a spoiled brat with deep-seeded emotional issues. Plus I’m lacking some serious vitamin D and need a new wardrobe! Did I mention I’m a huge fan of Spanish architecture and gated communities? Most importantly, I’ve always wanted to have an excuse to say, welcome to the O.C., bitch, just like Luke did in season 1!
- Scranton, PA — Thanks to re-watching The Office three times, I went through a mini phase where I thought it’d be cool to work in a Middle America as receptionist for a boss who is a walking HR violation. Ah, to let my hair go mousy, have an office job that constantly triggers my existential crisis, and have a workplace romance that doesn’t end up with me humiliating myself is… the American Dream in a nutshell.
- Twin Peaks, WA — Where my log ladies at?! I assume that moving to Twin Peaks does not guarantee me inheriting Audrey Horn’s looks, but hey, at least I’d be able to find a hotel room that’s clean and reasonably priced, which is nothing more than a myth on AirBnB. Pass the cherry pie, bitches! Pacific Northwest here I come! Just kidding I’m still on my couch. Is that a piece of Dorito in my cleavage? Still good.
- Key West, FL — The Florida Keys are the serene backdrop of hands-down the most stressful shows I’ve ever watched, Bloodline. Sure there’s 100% humidity, deep-seeded family trauma, and drugs… but there’s also plenty of tiki bars, fishing boats, and… drugs! Maybe I just have a thing for Kyle Chandler? And drugs.
- Ozarks, MO—Jason Bateman and Laura Linney can launder my money any day because they’re both hot and talented actors. That being said, if I really moved moved to the Ozarks, first thing I’d do is buy a gun, a van, and open a beauty salon so I can give all the locals ambush makeovers. I’m fascinated by ugly rednecks and their creepy ass culture.
- Bikini Bottom—they had me at Krabby Patties!