1. Flowers that are 3x the normal price because you ordered them the morning of and begged the lady on the phone to add them to the delivery schedule. But hey, $75 for a small bouquet of organic matter that will be dead in three days is TOTALLY worth it!
2. A Walgreen’s card that does not arrive in the mail until the week after Mother’s Day. Your mom will say something along the lines of “You know how mail can be so fickle sometimes, I am just glad I got it,” when you BOTH know you sent it the morning of Mother’s Day once you logged onto your Instagram and saw all of the posts.
3. A long text message about how she’s always been there for you. Yes, you could call, because most phones STILL have that feature. But nothing says “I love you” more than a series of words and Japanese cartoon images typed out.
4. An awesome brunch at that spot you have been dying to try but you can’t afford. She will foot the bill, because she knows you are paying for your rent in a week and have $2.37 left in your checking account.
5. An unopened lotion set that your coworkers gave you as a going away gift two months ago. Your mom taught you the art of re-gifting after all!
6. One of those videos where you replace the faces of dancing elves with your families faces while they shake to “Staying Alive.” Your mom will be in awe of your unbelievable video editing skills and has yet to understand that a “Jib Jab” is not your own personal brand.
7. An obnoxious homemade coupon book. Vouchers include: “Take grandma to the airport and not complain” or “Go to church with you once every 3 months (not including Christmas or Easter)”
8. Something worth the exact amount of money left on your Amazon gift card from Christmas. Nothing says, “You’re only worth $15” like a scented candle!
9. A proclamation to give up a bad habit (that she knows about…) in her honor. Suggestions of bad habits include: Smoking cigarettes, biting your nails, eating fast food, dating weirdo’s, deferring your student loan debt, staying out late, living pay check to pay check, or other things you have been doing since the minute you moved out of her house. Moms totally dig when you take care of yourself because they care and stuff. Crazy, I know.
10. Nothing worth the agonizing pain that is 24 hours of labor, constant feeding, shitting, crying, ruining all of her adult friendships, spilling things on her new sofa, getting the stomach virus twice a year until you were thirteen, contradicting everything she says, being a brat, draining all of her savings, and constantly calling to ask her about the weird noise coming from your dishwasher.
Happy Mother’s Day to the Moms out there!