Are You Hot Enough To “Eat” Here?

Hey. What do you want — like a table or something? Hm, give me a minute. You’re pretty hot but not super hot so I just have to check and see if there are any other couples who are hotter and therefore more deserving of a table.

Like, see that gorgeous interracial couple taking up that entire four person booth over there? The ones who are both wearing the kind of oversized sweatshirts your dad wears, but somehow they both look like they just stepped out of the pages of a fashion magazine? No, not that hot interracial couple — the one on the other side of the room. They’re both on their phones and haven’t made eye contact in at least 15 minutes but their misery makes them somehow even sexier? Yes, them. They come here every Saturday and sit at that booth for at least two hours without speaking. They hate each other but we love them — because they’re so hot. Hot enough to take up that giant table.

I mean, look at that couple or pair of siblings or friends or models who just ran into each other on the street and walked jointly in this direction as if pulled by a gravitational force at that two top over there. No, not the androgynous ones — the super androgynous ones. One’s maybe a girl and one’s maybe a boy and both are maybe neither and the more you look at them the more it seems as if they were created in a lab to be so stunning and genderless that every single person on Earth, regardless of sexual preference, is attracted to them? Yeah, they’ve been at that table for three hours and they haven’t ordered a thing but they deserve to be there all day. That’s how hot they are.

You two, however, look like you fall all the way on either end of the gender spectrum and are only attractive to specific people with specific sexual preferences, which is like, fine, I guess, but not really our style. You see, the experience of “dining” here is extremely unique and only made available to the most desirable people in all of New York City. Because our clientele is so fucking hot, and because we understand how hot people stay so fucking hot, we don’t serve food, per se. We serve an attitude, an image, a sense of privilege. We also serve $12 non-alcoholic…drinks. I was going to say tonics, but I realized you may not be hot enough to know what a tonic is.

It seems I was correct. A tonic is water with a splash of something else in it. For example, our pH Tonic contains water, a splash of apple cider vinegar, and the contents of one caplet of supplemental activated charcoal. A 6 oz. glass costs just $15. Sure, you could make it at home for $.30 a pop, but that extra $14.70 plus tip is the cost of the privilege to “eat” here.

I see another couple walking up behind you and they are…gross. Do they honestly think they deserve to spend $30 to consume almost nothing here? Not a chance. They’re so old, like over 30, probably. Sad. Well, since only people who are even less hot than you two are coming to the “restaurant” today, I guess I can seat you. Since all our tables are currently being used by way hotter couples who wish to spend their afternoons sipping and brooding, all we have available is that one stool in the back. You can share it however you want.

As you two sit in that uncomfortable, backless seat sipping your expensive, flavorless tonics, we here at the “restaurant” would like you to think about how you can get hotter. If you want to be as gorgeous as that miserable couple over there, you have a lot of work to do. Remember —it takes a lot of effort to look effortless.

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