A Dog’s Inner Monologue While She Tears Her Toy To Pieces

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Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you! I’ll fucking kill you, fucking toy! I’ll tear you to shreds and then I’ll tear the shreds to shreds and then I’ll tear the shreds of the shreds into tiny little pieces and then I’ll roll around in those pieces of shreds and I won’t even care when little pieces of the pieces get stuck to my soft, glossy fur. I’ll gut you! I’ll fucking tear your fucking guts out, you fucking hedgehog! I’ll tear them out and then I’ll eat some of them, but only some because they won’t taste good, because you taste like shit, you piece of shit.

Fuck YOU! I’ll fuck you up, you little fucker, and when my victory is complete, when your body is in pieces all over my human’s carpet and my human looks at me and asks what I’ve done, I’ll look up at her with such innocence that she won’t be able to do anything but laugh, and I’ll look at her like that because I’ll feel innocent, because you deserve to die, you fluffy little motherfucker.

FUCK! YOU! When I’ve finished destroying you, I’ll pick up your empty, lifeless carcass between my fangs and I’ll present your limp remains to my human, so that we may celebrate together my victory over my enemy toy. And when my human throws your slack remains in the trash, I’ll chant, “Fuck yeah! Fuck you! Die, motherfucker, die!” I’ll jump and smile and, probably, get a treat.

And once I’ve finished my treat, my reward for murdering you so, I’ll want to play. I’ll go to play with my favorite toy and realize…realize that I’ve destroyed you. The memories will come to me in snippets: your white fluff scattered on the carpet, your plastic eye rolling across the hardwood floor. I’ll wonder who would, who could possibly do that to an innocent toy such as you! Then, as if in a dream, I’ll remember that it was me, me who killed you, my beloved toy, my dearest friend! Oh why, sweet toy, did you let me annihilate you like that? Why didn’t you fight back, snap me out of my wretched trance? Oh toy, please forgive me! Forgive me even though I’ll never forgive myself for what I’ve done.

Oh, what’s that? It looks like…a new toy? This one’s a bear. Hey bear — fuck you! Fuck you and prepare. to. DIE!

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