By Mary Cella and Ginny Hogan
Are you a man who sometimes hears other men say terrible things about women? In those situations, you know you’re supposed to speak up, but doing so is a huge risk. Imagine (this might be a stretch!) you’re at drinks with your bros and one says, “Hey, she’s got great tits.” Now imagine you want to say, “Hey, dude, don’t say that. She’s your coworker. Specifically, your boss.” Remember, you do think of bosses as coworkers, because you’re a man. Are you brave enough to face the consequences of speaking up? Decide for yourself because the following is exactly what will happen when you call out sexism:
- You’ll look weak in front of your friends, which is very embarrassing because you’re a man.
- Everyone will look at you strangely like you have spinach between your teeth but they don’t want to tell you. Spinach will suddenly appear between your teeth and no one will tell you.
- Your friend will call you a pussy and he’ll be right because you’ll immediately turn into a black Tabby. This is especially embarrassing, because you are a man.
- Your biceps will instantly decrease in size as your brain alerts your arms that your testosterone level has dropped. When you go to check the size of your biceps, you’ll flinch and accidentally slap a puppy. The puppy will use its canine intuition to alert all other dogs the world over that you’re someone who needs to be avoided, and you’ll never again know the joy of petting a dog.
- You’ll start making less money because your coworkers now know you’re not a real man who deserves to make more than a woman. This will be backdated, so you’ll owe the government $60,000.
- Your penis will turn into a vagina. It’ll happen quickly, like when you push an outie belly-button in or when you press the Staples “EASY” button.
- Your friends will respond by saying that we’re in a “culture of outrage” and that you’re part of the “witch hunt” and then they’ll get nominated for Oscars without you.
- No one will listen to you. This will happen in conjunction with your friends saying negative things, and also in conjunction with you being a man.
- Your friends will counter with something worse, like that she also has the kind of ass they’d like to cut off and eat, and then you’ll be worried that your friends are cannibals and that’s like, a whole other thing to deal with. Now you have to fear for her safety and yours because they. will. ATTACK.
- Trump will get elected to a third term. It’ll then turn out that he’s deathly allergic to the black pussycat you turned into so he’ll have a horrible rash. Actually, that might be a positive – ignore this one.
- Somewhere in the world, someone you’ve never met will die. Yes, this is happening all over the world all the time, but this time it’ll be your fault. And to make matters worse, it will be a very attractive woman who otherwise would have had sex with you, even though you never met and weren’t planning a trip to Paraguay.
- Your friends will suggest you’re only calling out sexism to get laid.
- Women will overhear that you’re only saying something to get laid and will decide not to have sex with you even though they were all strongly considering having sex with you until that moment.
- Unfortunately, the women who overheard you had just decided they were on their absolute last straw with men co-opting feminism to get laid, and all took a blood oath (something women do a lot) to make the next man pay.
- When they say pay, they don’t mean pay for drinks. They mean suffer.
- Also, by a weird stroke of luck, all of these women had just been diagnosed with rabies and only have a few days to live, so they don’t care about obeying the law.
- You will get murdered by a pack of rabid feminists.
Do you still want to tell your bros they’re being sexist?