Hey, thanks for coming in today. You hit your head pretty badly in SoulCycle and suffered a concussion. Your test results are showing an odd result – it seems that you now find yourself attractive. I know, I know, it doesn’t make sense to any of us, which is why I’ve invited a team of our top doctors in to take a look.
Your brain looks completely normal – no signs of seizure activity and no tumors. We don’t know where this confidence is coming from but we do know that it’s statistically abnormal for a white, blonde, normal-sized young woman to believe she’s attractive. Studies show that the female species, as a general rule, is not known to express any confidence in its appearance. In fact, when a woman refers to her looks, she is supposed to say something like “yeah, my last three bosses have all sexually harassed me, which is so weird because I have cankles!” Your behavior is highly erratic, and we intend to get to the bottom of it.
The most likely cause is the proliferation of skinny mirrors in clothing stores. It’s a visual distortion, and it’s a public hazard. Women who are a size 8 or 10, like yourself, should not under ANY circumstance be allowed to believe they’re a size 6. Everyone’s clothing size must be internalized and calculated accurately, as it is the full measure of a woman’s worth. We can’t have size 8s walking around like they’re size 6s. Judd Apatow’s career would be over because women like Katherine Heigl and Elizabeth Banks would tell their agents that they’re too hot to play Seth Rogen’s love interest. You can see how things would quickly spiral out of control from there. I can give you glasses to offset the impact of skinny mirrors.
I believe the endorphins from SoulCycle are the culprit here. Sometimes, if a woman hears positive affirmation set to loud music, it stays in her brain longer than if she just sees it embroidered on a pillow. It’s possible that your instructor was yelling the common SoulCycle mantra of “you aren’t as fat as you think you are, but you’re still fat enough to need to spend $34 on an exercise class” when you fell off your bike. We suspect you might have departed the stationary vehicle before hearing the part about still being fat enough, and therefore you got more of the ‘positive’ part of that affirmation.
In my experience, this happens sometimes when a woman pounds too much dick. Do you need an STD test? I gave you one anyway.
I have a highly unlikely hypothesis. What if you’ve actually realized you are conventionally attractive? I know that seems nearly impossible, but believe it or not, most men find you attractive. Would anyone in the room willing to shtup this infirm patient please raise their hand? Still, only about 1 in 1000 conventionally attractive women have ever been known to express confidence in their appearance. You’re more likely to get attacked by a coyote in Los Angeles, which is also somewhat likely as you’re probably the fleshiest person in Los Angeles. I’m only saying that to you to try to reset the balance in your brain, not to be mean. Also, please note I’m not a real doctor.
Until we get to the bottom of this, I can give you some advice on how to maintain a normal lifestyle. Please be aware that the rest of the world does not think you’re any more attractive than you used to be. If you go on a date with a man and express confidence in your body, he will be alarmed and confused, so make sure not to do that ever. That’s generally good advice for all women, but especially for you. I can also prescribe you Adderall for your weight.
I’d like to put you on bed rest until we have more information. We expect symptoms to subside, and hopefully within a week or so you’ll be able to look in the mirror and see all your blemishes and cellulite once again. Within two weeks of bed rest, you’ll no longer want to leave the house for fear of your ex seeing your flat hair. That’s a best-case scenario.
Ah, actually, now I have your new scans. You have brain cancer, and you’ll be dead within a few months.
Unfortunately, your insurance company doesn’t cover SoulCycle-related accidents anymore, so we will have to bill you for $3,735,000. In the event that you don’t pay it off before your death, your next-of-kin is responsible.