Settle, settle! Boy, is this a royal party or what?! I have never seen a wedding band before, but you guys are fire. Next time, though, more ABBA! Ah, I’m kidding, you boys are doing great!
Now, I know what you’re all thinking – why in the world is Princess Charlotte, the three-year-old daughter of Prince William and Kate Middleton, giving a toast to her Uncle Harry and Muggle – sorry, Meghan – Markle? Well, to that I say can it’s because this ol’ chap has some shit to say, and I’ve only got four minutes ‘til bedtime.
Harry. Uncle. Bud. You’re crushin’ it out there, dude. Seriously. I don’t know how you got someone like Muggle Markle, or should I say, the no-nonsense paralegal Rachel Zane on USA’s hit drama Suits, but derby hats off to ya, sport. And, now that I’ve got my favorite show on my mind…
Muggle Markle. Hey there, soul sister. I’m sorry for calling you Muggle, it’s just a playful thing I made up on the spot and, frankly, I think it’s hilarious. Truth is, I’ve already loved you for quite some time. I am a huge Suits fan, and when I found out Uncle H. was dating you, I was already way too on board. Big ‘ol ‘Suithead’, this kid. I just have one small concern: are you really not going to continue shooting any more episodes of Suits? Like, really? I don’t mean to complain on your special day, seriously, and I am again too happy to be here. But, I’ve invested myself into seven seasons of my favorite TV show, Suits, and I am not ready to say goodbye to Rachel Zane, your character in the hit show, Suits.
You’re smiling. You’re laughing. Your amused expression suggests I’m a sea lion doing tricks at the circus. Perhaps I’m not making myself clear: I’ve invested myself into seven seasons of my favorite TV show, Suits, and I am not ready to say goodbye to Rachel Zane, your character in the hit show, Suits. Does that make sense, Aunty?
Now Meghan, I like to think of myself as a reasonable gal. I am pulled in a lot of different directions, as I am literally royalty, but there are a few things I do not ever compromise on: my binky must be washed if I drop it out of my mouth by accident, I will only go out for a private stroll in my PatPat Lace-up LED Sneakers and I do not make plans on Tuesdays at 8 p.m. Do you know why I don’t make plans on Tuesdays at 8 p.m., Aunty Markle? I DON’T MAKE PLANS ON TUESDAYS AT 8 P.M. BECAUSE THAT IS WHEN I TURN ON USA NETWORK AND I WATCH SUITS, MY FAVORITE GODDAMN SHOW ON EARTH! Are you so drunk on the frills and fancies of us Brits that you’ve completely forgotten about dear old Rachel Zane? Let me jog your memory: Rachel Zane, the character you’ve portrayed on USA’s hit drama Suits, just passed her bar exam and is finally positioned to crush it as a legit attorney. Rachel Zane also just happened to have married her longtime beau, Mike, at the end of Season 7. What a perfect setup for a load of drama that will now never occur in Season 8, all thanks to you leaving the show for my uncle, who, no offense, is maybe an 8.5 after a few drinks. Oh, don’t look at me like that, Uncle H., I’m trying to be convincing.
As I am now four minutes past my bedtime, I want to offer you a final plea. Meghan, it’s not too late. You and Mike just accepted your job offers in Seattle; I’m sure you can just leave here now, go back to L.A. and hop right back on that assumedly cool ass lawyer set like nothing ever happened. I read an article yesterday that said Katherine Heigl is now on the show. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’ll watch 27 Dresses on repeat until the day I croak, but she will never compare to you in Suits. Please, Meghan, please. Please leave my uncle and this life of royalty, riches and eternal fame to continue shooting your USA Network smash, Suits. Heck, if you give me just twenty more seasons of Suits, by then I’ll be 23 and I’ll marry you myself.
Now can we please hear some more goddamn ABBA?