Belated Mother’s Day Presents

mothers.png

If you’re like me you’re one of the 20% of Americans who forgot to send their mom a gift for Mother’s Day (according to the highly respected sociologists at the University of Skype).

Does this mean we hate our mothers? Of course not! Like most forgetful people we just hate ourselves (which leads to drinking, which leads to forgetting, which leads to I don’t remember what and honestly I’m pretty frustrated that I can’t so if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go pour myself a reasonable 8 oz. glass of bourbon).

Wait, where was I?

Mother’s Day. RIGHT.

Thankfully there are still plenty of great gifts you can send to that special lady in your life (or Ivanka, Mr. President). Just take a look at these 12 sure-fire belated Mother’s Day gifts:

1. That card you forgot to send her last year

Surely you’ve acquired a stamp in the last 12 months!

2. A text message promising to pay your own cell phone bill next month

Not including overages, obviously.

3. Her HBOGo password

It’s about time she gets to use it, too.

4. Discount Mother’s Day candy

Tell her you bought it before Mother’s Day and be sure to peel off any price tags.

5. Better yet: Discount Easter candy

That shit is cheap.

6. A 23andMe DNA test that proves she’s related to the Golden State Killer

She’ll be the talk of the town after you link her to the notorious serial killer!

7. Paperwork to make her the guarantor on your new apartment

Offer to send her a framed copy after her check for the security deposit clears.

8. The half-eaten Edible Arrangement in your office break room

Nobody every touches the pineapple and you’re pretty sure she likes pineapple.

9. Screenshots proving that her new online boyfriend is actually a 23-year-old woman in Wyoming

Sure, she’ll be disappointed now, but she’ll thank you after she binge watches all 107 episodes of MTV’s Catfish.

10. Your one phone call from the holding cell at the 14th precinct

This is sure to remind her just how special she is, especially since you should’ve called lawyer instead.

11. Those Beanie Babies she’s been holding onto for you since 1998

Tell her to open up that storage container and go wild. Just don’t take off any of the tags!!

12. An Instagram post with a really good filter

You’ll spend at least 6 minutes working on this post, and you won’t just settle on the first filter you see. Why? Because you know what matters most: Making sure your friends know how much you love your mom.

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s