Excerpts From My Conversation With Melania Trump

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Oooh boy!

Me: Hello Melania, thank you for speaking with me. It’s nice to meet you.

Melania: I am nice to meet pizza.

Me: O.k. thank you. I think. So tell me about this new initiative you launched recently; Be Best.

Melania: Oh yes, Be best is best idea for be best people to the.

Me: Alright, I think I understand. You feel that people should be their best and you’d like to help. Is that correct?

Melania: Yes, please. Be not bad. Be Best.

Me: Got it. I like that, straight and to the point. Now how can your initiative help people be their best, let’s say as far as on their social media?

Melania: Oh yes, social media yes. Social media, twitter, Facebook, Kim Kardashian. Please, no. Yes.

Me: Ok. So do you feel that on these aforementioned social media platforms people have not been doing a good job at being their best? And do you believe that Kim Kardashian is a social media platform?

Melania: Yes, please to the… No be bad. Be Best.

Me: O.k. But do you believe that Kim Kardashian is a social media platform rather than a human person?

Melania: Please. The. To. Pizza. Be best.

Me: O.k. I’ll just take that as a yes. Let’s talk about another area of your initiative, Opioid abuse. How can you help tackle this devastating problem plaguing so many Americans who already leading extremely vulnerable lives?

Melania: Oh yes. Drugs. Teleprompter. Family. Sad. Please.

Me: Yes, families are very sad when they have a loved one suffering from the horrors of drug addiction. I’m gonna go ahead and just assume that’s what you meant. Did you also call out for a teleprompter in that response?

Melania: Thank you.

Me: No I wasn’t offering you a teleprompter I was asking a question. Never mind. O.k. Let’s move on to the well being portion of this initiative. Now, I know what well being means but I would like to know what you mean by it.

Melania: Oh yes. Be well. Tan. Hair. Body. The. It. They. Them. Being. Pasta.

Me: Let me try an understand you. By well being you think people should be tan and eat pasta and have hair?

Melania: Be Best.

Me: Yea I know that is the name of the thing. I am simply trying to better understand it. Can you help me understand what you plan on doing to create well being and to curtail online bullying as well as prevent opioid addition?

Melania: Bully. Donald.

Me: Did you just say that your husband Donald Trump is a bully?

Melania: Twitter. Please.

Me: Are you saying Donald is a bully on Twitter? (I’m not even going to try to interpret the please.)

Melania: Yes, please. Twitter. Facebook. Internet. Social Media. Home. Office. Garden. Kitchen.

Me: Are you saying that Donald is a bully in all of the rooms and places you just mentioned?

Melania: Teleprompter.

Me: I think you just asked for a teleprompter again. O.k. I think maybe we can wrap this interview up. Do you have any parting words for the readers?

Melania. Yes, please. Help. Help. Help. To Help. The Help. Hurt. Hurtings. Hurt. Me. The. They. Halp.

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