Robert Mueller’s 49 Questions to Fall In Love


  1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, who would you most want to collude with?
  2. Would you like to be famous for perjury? Why?
  3. What did you know about Sally Yates’ meetings about Mr. Flynn?
  4. Before making a telephone call, do you ever check to make sure the FBI isn’t recording it?
  5. What constitutes a “perfect” crime for you?
  6. When did you last sing the Russian national anthem to yourself?
  7. How do you feel about offering Mr. Flynn pardon? Does it make you feel warm and gooey inside?
  8. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the control of this entire country or a slice of chocolate cake, which would you prefer? It’s unlikely that you’ll live to 90.
  9. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will be impeached?
  10. What was your reaction to Mr. Comey’s briefing on January 6, 2017? Emojis are fine.
  11. Name three wives you and Rudy Giuliani have in common.
  12. What did you do in reaction to Comey’s March 20th testimony? What’s your ideal way to react to incriminating testimony?
  13. For what in your life do the American people and FAKE NEWS MEDIA feel least grateful?
  14. If you could change anything about the way you were elected, what would it be? I have some thoughts of my own on this one, so we’ll circle back.
  15. Take four minutes and tell me exactly what Michael Flynn knows in as much detail as possible.
  16. If you could wake up tomorrow and be exonerated of any one crime, what would it be?
  17. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, and the future, would you fire the crystal ball for telling the truth?
  18. Is there someone you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done her – you’re the president, after all. Just grab her by the pussy.
  19. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life LOL.
  20. How guilty are you, on a scale from 1 to 10?
  21. Describe your dream way to fire Comey if you could do it all over again.
  22. What was the purpose of your May 12, 2017 tweet in which you said “tapes” with quotations?
  23. Are you aware that you don’t know how to correctly use quotations?
  24. What do you value most in a lawyer?
  25. Who is your most treasured conspirator?
  26. What is your most terrible memory of CNN?
  27. When did you become aware of your own mortality and of the Trump Tower meeting on June 9th, 2016?
  28. Does Jeff Sessions make you feel safe?
  29. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, do you think the American people would be relieved?
  30. If you could share any secret with Mr. Putin, tell it to me instead, because you’re being subpoenaed.
  31. What roles do Twitter and unsecured phones play in your life?
  32. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner’s hair implants. Share a total of five, one for each strand.
  33. How close and warm is your family’s outside business?
  34. How do you feel about your relationship with your daughter? Be honest — everyone knows.
  35. Make three true statements, of any sort. Seriously, we are all curious. No, Mr. President, you’re just saying colors. ‘Blue’ isn’t a true statement.
  36. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had a son with whom I could share a logical thought about…”
  37. If you were going to be on trial for Russian collusion, please tell me, Special Counsel Robert Mueller, everything I need to know.
  38. Tell me one thing you like about me. ‘Republican’ doesn’t count. Sorry, Mr. President, ‘dumb dumb lying idiot idiot’ doesn’t really count as something you like.
  39. What efforts did you make to try to get Jeff Sessions to not recuse himself from the Russian investigation? How has it affected your relationship with long-time friend Jeff Sessions?
  40. Share with me an embarrassing moment in your life that I can’t already read about in every newspaper.
  41. When did you last pee on another person? By yourself?
  42. Do you know what the fifth amendment is? Do you get off on the thought of ‘pleading the fifth’ because of the word ‘plead’?
  43. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about? Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ softball-player-like features?
  44. Does the thought that you’ll probably die before you’re impeached bring you comfort?
  45. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, how much additional dirt would we be able to dig up about you? Answer in gigabytes.
  46. Your house catches fire — weird, who would do that to you? — what’s the one item you’d save? Don’t say Twitter — it lives online. Don’t say Melania — she’s a person, not an item.
  47. Of all the people in your administration — current and former — whose death are you currently planning?
  48. Share a personal problem with me. I can probably help. You will almost certainly go to jail.
  49. Can I get you a glass of water? You’re in for a long night.

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