by Pamela Ross
Your mother has cancer. Naturally, the thought of potentially losing the most important person in your life is devastating. You and your loved ones must provide each other with support while helping your mom battle this illness. Just as crucial is engaging in self-care to prevent mental burnout. These six trendy, attention-grabbing halter tops will keep your mind off mortality andon how fabulous your clavicle looks.
Look at this design — classic! Wordplay covering your petite, perky breasts with nonexistent nipples and an iridescent pot leaf. So what if your mom has cancer of the bone? You’re busy being very chill about the whole thing, man. Let’s go blaze a doobie under the bridge and pretend blood cell counts aren’t real.
This one’s technically a romper in the halter style, appropriate for lounging poolside or dislodging linen from your crotch and/or buttcrack. The material is reminiscent of a spa robe, so let this flimsy bladder-prison transport you to a relaxing, chemo-free headspace.
The vibrant color and intricate stitching of this halter draw attention to your gorgeous figure and away from how sad your life is now.
Bonus: knitting the top yourself provides extra distraction. With every loop, you’ll keep your hands occupied and your brain denying reality.
This biblical number allows passing pervs a peek into your soul/areolae. Though the imagery may bring to mind your dwindling faith in God — how could He have forsaken you? — you’ll be too busy swatting away grabby hands and censoring your nipples from children to dwell on it.
Once purchased, this sequined, shimmery halter makes the perfect uniform for your favorite activity: self-medicating with all the synthetic drugs and jello shots a cashier’s paycheck can buy. Blacking out combats the very formation of memories, so your mother’s hospital stays will be Eternal Sunshine-d from your brain. Later on, it can be used to put minimal effort into a Little Mermaid Halloween costume. Versatile and cost-effective! Who cares about the clots in mom’s lungs now?
This top’s aesthetic is Yoked Donkey or Shire Elf’s First Sex Party. If a contestant wore this on RuPaul’s Drag Race, during the runway portion Ru would saucily say, “I’ll be your beast of burden” and during judging Michelle would be like, “Every week you come out here naked. I need to see something different from you!”
You know what really helps you forget about cancer? Watching RuPaul’s Drag Race.