Manic Pixie Dream Girl Makes For Surprisingly Dull Lover


Bernice, a 24 year old manic pixie dream girl, is vanilla A F in the bedroom.

Every other aspect of Bernice’s life is extraordinarily creative.

Take her job, for instance. She doesn’t have one. A free spirit like Bernice wouldn’t be caught dead in a wrinkly pencil skirt next to a water cooler and a free bowl of mints. That’s way too boring! A tried and true MPDG, Bernice churns out creative money making schemes that keep her afloat as a struggling “artiste.” You can find her selling her soiled panties to fetishists on Craig’s list, putting her manicured feet through peep holes for tortured executives to rub for $40 bucks a pop, and of course, writing scented letters to her rich neighbor (borderline sugar daddy) that indicate a needed money transfer at Western Union. You’d think those borderline prostitution life hacks would be the building blocks for one freaky ass lover, right? Plus, her creative ass manic pixie lifestyle doesn’t end there…

Take her content. It’s highly sexual and unfocused. A genuine MPDG wouldn’t waste her libidinally charged creative energy on a single artistic calling. She’s got too much to give! Bernice has written close to thirty ukulele songs about her engorged clitoris. She’s also choreographed nine pyrotechnic performance art pieces about the vulva, which she exclusively performs underneath the trunk of a uterus shaped willow tree. Let’s not forget her extensive body of limericks, haikus, and properly metered sonnets about the glory of the sphincter. You’d imagine that Bernice’s mediocre and prolific portfolio of sex-centric art would make for a real freak in the sheets, you know? Oh, and like the prolific manic pixie dream gal that she is, her zany persona doesn’t stop there….

Take her mental stability. It doesn’t exist. Bernice isn’t some fake-ass artist who’s merely posing as an emotionally troubled manic pixie dream girl. She’s legitimately manic! One time, her mom expressed skepticism about her talents, and Bernice screamed and sobbed for 13 hours straight, all while running the NYC marathon in the nude. Another time, a guy at a party said he didn’t understand her haiku about the butthole, so she took her top off, went into the house kitchen, shattered 17 plates on the counter, and simultaneously belted a horribly unmelodious version of Marilyn Monroe’s, “Happy Birthday, Mr. President.” One summer night on the beach, her lover expressed playful disdain for her mismatched bikini top and bottom, so she stripped them off, swam out to sea, and tried to drown herself underneath the full moon. She was rescued and hospitalized, but still, Bernice is one psychotic, unmedicated artist, who you’d assume would be down for a threesome, right? Plus, if you saw Bernice’s living quarters, you’d think she was one cray cray lover…

Take her bedroom. It looks like a sex dungeon. Bernice isn’t some lame MPDG who doesn’t have a black lace canopy netting over her four poster. She’s got all the materials to be a proper creep in bed! Her lampshade is a papier mache collage of rainbow filtered animal genitalia. Her nightstand is a flimsy side table of giant crazy glued dildos. Her doorway is a hole in the wall shaped like Farrah Fawcett’s areola. Doesn’t this creative chick seem like a polyamorous witch with a creepy bondage fetish?

Well, here’s the truth. She’s not. Bernice may be the most creative, creepiest MPDG to ever live, but in the sack, she’s so boring it hurts. She doesn’t enjoy selling her panties, has zero foot fetishes, and doesn’t even bone the old guy that sends her money. Even though she’s churned out songs, dances, and poems about her sexual organs, she’s never even looked at her vag in a hand mirror. That guy who almost saw her kill herself on the beach? They never even did it from behind. Her love for Marilyn and Farrah? She’s never masturbated to either of them. That black lace bed canopy? She doesn’t even watch porn underneath it, let alone go near the dildos that make up her nightstand.

Bernice hasn’t even had sex outdoors. She’s never engaged in role-play. She’s never even kissed a girl. She’s never done dirty talk, choking, oral, or anal. She’d never have a threesome, and she hates porn. She’s a psychotic manic pixie dream girl that exclusively does missionary with the lights off. She just lies there in silence, her creativity nowhere to be found.

Here I was, thinking Bernice would be down to do cool manic pixie dream girl sex shit, like, get pegged by a team of bisexual dwarves, or take ecstasy and bang a one-legged clown at a nudist colony, you know? But, boy was I wrong. I guess being a creative psychopath and an insane lover would be too much for Bernice. If she was both, the  MPDG universe would probably lose equilibrium, explode, and kill us all. So there you go, people, manic pixie dream girls aren’t all they’re cracked up to be after dark. Bernice might be a psycho, but when the  clothes come off, she’s still VANILLA A F!

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