How To Order Off The Secret Menu At The Doctor’s Office

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A lot of people go to the doctor’s office and just take what’s offered to them. The doctor lays out a couple options, and they pick from the ones available. However, what these people don’t know is that, just like at In ‘N Out Burger or Jamba Juice, there’s a secret menu. If you know what to ask for, you can get all kinds of cool medical tests. Here’s how.

 

  • Step 1: Make a doctor’s appointment. This can be something you do in response to a physical problem, or you can do it for no reason at all. Just remember – if you have health insurance, you should be going to the doctor’s as often as possible.

  • Step 2: Decide which part(s) of your body is most worrying to you. Does your heart occasionally beat fast? Do your muscles twitch? Do you have chest pain? Do you get hangovers when you drink 5+ drinks? Do you get ghosted all the time? Pick one or two issues to hone in on at the doctor’s.

  • Step 3: Search Google for everything that could be wrong with you relating to this part of your body. Create a list of conditions that you might have, and then select only the ones that are life-threatening, which should be all of them if you’re using WebMD properly. Find out what tests you need to rule out each of the conditions.

  • Step 4: Go to the doctor’s. Definitely DO NOT read off the conditions you think you might have. Instead, memorize them, and pretend to bring each one up organically. As you subtly ask your doctor if you think your toe pain could be Parkinson’s, MS, or colon cancer, ask them if there’s a way to test for those conditions. They know that you know that there’s a secret menu of tests you CAN get, but they don’t want to give it to you right away.

  • Step 5: If you want an EKG, the animal fries of medical tests, just tell the doctor you have chest pains. This one is easy to get, and everyone knows about it. Definitely don’t feel cool or ‘in the know’ for getting this one.

  • Step 6: If you are a woman and you tell the doctor that you think you have a disease only men can get (male pattern baldness, for example), remind your doctor that gender is a spectrum. Ask for the test.

  • Step 7: Reiterate what tests you want many times.

  • Step 8: Repeat steps 1-7 for several months until your doctor caves.

  • Step 9: Get the medical tests you asked for. Don’t bother to check the results, because you know there was probably nothing wrong with you at all.

  • Step 10: In the event that you actually have a medical condition, tell your doctor that you don’t trust the tests. Rather than treat the condition, remain in fetal position in your bed for 7-9 months.

  • Step 11: Apologize profusely to all healthcare providers, and also know that you’re part of why our healthcare system is so broken.

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