By Geneva Rust-Orta
There is a lot of literature and advice available for things to do on Valentine’s Day to make sure it is a truly special day for you and/or your partner. However, there is a lack of writing available about what you should do on the other 364, and sometimes 365, days per year that are not Valentine’s Day. This is a terrible disservice to these other very important days of the year. I have taken it upon myself to go over what you are supposed to do when it is not Valentine’s day.
It is on Valentine’s Day that you are supposed to compare your partner to a knight, a princess, or the sun. On the other days of the year, you should stick to more realistic comparisons. If it is not Valentine’s Day, compare your partner to things like flat soda, exasperating physical pain, or the common man.
If it is not Valentine’s Day, do not wear lingerie! The best undergarment to wear underneath your clothes on all other days, is a cozy blanket wrapped around your naked body with work clothes over the top.
If it isn’t Valentine’s Day, you should make sure to let your partner know that they’re not as good as you wish they were. You can drop them a few subtle hints by making arbitrary off-hand remarks. Try saying things like, your chewing annoys me, your job isn’t as hard as you make it out to be, or have you ever considered seeing a doctor about how nasally your voice is?
DO NOT write your partner a poem or a song on these days. An email is appropriate if it’s to let them know that you’ll be out of town next week. Tell them that there won’t be cell phone reception and don’t provide a number where they can reach you. Hand-written notes are not acceptable. Only emails.
Chocolate is delicious all year round. Eat chocolate throughout the year, because it is easily attainable and cheap. Just don’t treat it like it is something special. Eat chocolate like you don’t even like it that much. Eat chocolate during bathroom activities, such as shaving your arm pits or pulling hair out of your drain. Throw a handful of M&Ms into your mouth while you are still chewing on something else, like a pizza.
Lick brown stuff that could possibly be chocolate off of your couch, laptop, iPad, iWatch, iPhone, and/or your cat. If your partner walks into the room while you are licking that mystery chocolate, remind them that you’re a capable and powerful person by shouting, “I just need a little bit of space!”
If you go out to dinner with your partner on a day that is not Valentine’s Day, eat quickly and talk about how fabulous your ex was. After devouring your meal, tell them that you feel too fat to speak, and be silent. Nothing says that it is not Valentine’s Day like resenting your body, and also for that matter, resenting sex and sexuality.
Try not to have sex if it isn’t Valentine’s Day. If you must have sex, do so quickly. If you would like to spice things up, take out a sex toy and say something off-putting like, “we might as well give this a try since nothing else seems to be doing any good.”
On Valentine’s Day you should kiss your partner softly, gently, or sweetly. If your partner is going to work, to sleep, or they just look nice on a day that is not Valentine’s Day, bite them. If you are taller than your partner, bite their ear. If you are shorter than your partner, biting their chin might make more sense.
There are so, so many different ways to let your Not-Valentine know that you do not want them to be yours. These are just a few ideas. The most important thing is that you do not let these days go to waste. They only come around 365 times per year, at maximum. Celebrate them with the same ardor that you would celebrate Valentine’s Day with, because these days also matter.