Congress Attempts To Solve Teenagers’ Problems

To thank teenagers for taking the lead on stopping gun violence, a problem that should be solved by our government, Congress has decided to offer up some solutions to teenagers’ most common problems.


  • Homework: Elizabeth Warren can do all of it for you!
  • Prom date: Mitch McConnell will take the lead on asking your prom date out. Then, when you, no matter who you are, ask her, you’ll look like a great option.
  • Learning how to drive: Bernie Sanders suggests riding your bike and/or horse instead.
  • Senior photos: Paul Ryan can help you do your hair. Yeah, the cow-lick stays good.
  • College applications: Congress will eliminate federal funding for state universities, so students no longer have to worry about applications. Isn’t that nice?
  • Best friends fighting: Nancy Pelosi can teach you how to decline to take a position.
  • Drinking: Devin Nunez knows exactly how to lie to your parents and everyone.
  • Losing your virginity: Orrin Hatch can show you how to never do that ever.
  • Registering to vote: This isn’t something Congress knows anything about.


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