New York Woman Has Begun Sweating, Is Expected To Stop In December

attractive-1866858_1920NEW YORK, NY — One Brooklyn woman felt the first stream of sweat run down her back this morning, and she claims this is only the beginning of what she calls “the sweaty season.”

“It always starts this time of year,” says the woman. “It’s not even that hot yet, but my makeup has started running down my face and it’s not going to stop anytime soon. Summer in this city is so unbearably hot and humid that it takes my body until like, December to cool back down. Of course, that might be because these days, it stays warm and humid until Christmas, but I don’t want to get political.”

“She’s a head sweater,” says one friend. “I mean, we all sweat, so no judgement, but it’s crazy — the second it’s even a little bit warm outside, it starts like, raining from her hairline. All summer, she’s just dripping. Sometimes I think she’s crying and I’ll be like, ‘Oh my god, what’s wrong?’ and she’ll be like, ‘I’m hot’ and that’s when I realize it’s just sweat. It’s disgusting. Not to judge.”

With temperatures still lingering in the 70s most days, why has the woman — and so many other New Yorkers — already begun her summer sweating? We spoke to a body temperature expert (not as sexy as it sounds) who said this: “As soon as the temperature gets above like 75, the northeastern human body starts anticipating the heat, and it reacts by excreting as much liquid as possible through every single pore. This is the body’s way of preparing for heat, which will come. It always comes.”

While many are looking forward to summer after a particularly long, difficult winter, the woman is approaching the season with a mixture of enthusiasm and dread. “I’m really excited for summer, I mean it. I love summer in New York…until mid-August. By then, I feel so sweaty and bloated, I’m ready for some cool air and a turtleneck.”

“She told you she likes summer? No one, and I mean no one, complains about summer more than she does,” says another friend. “The second it’s above 80 degrees, all she does is whine. ‘It’s so hot. This city is so miserable. I hate summer, everyone complains about winter, but summer is worse.’ Of course, she complains about winter too. I mean, I kind of get it because she gets like, abnormally sweaty and that must be really miserable, but it’s like listen, we’re all hot. Anyone who can’t afford to leave the city and summer in the Hamptons or whatever is fucking hot. Stop complaining and wipe your brow, bitch.”

So what’s the solution? “Marry a rich dude,” says the body temperature expert. “Marry some fucking Wall Street moron, buy a house in the Hamptons, leave your dumbass husband in the city for the summer, go to the beach and relax. Sure, it’s hot there too, but that sea breeze makes all the difference. Plus, any Hamptons house worth buying has central air.”

With no wealthy romantic prospects in sight, the woman has resigned herself to spending another summer sweating it out on the subway platform. “I guess I’m just going to do what I do every summer,” she says. “Wear as little clothing as possible without looking like a total skank and sweat my fucking ass off.”

From one New Yorker to another: honey, you won’t be the only one.

 

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