My Catcalls, Ranked

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Birds are chirping, the sun is shining, and temperatures are rising. You know what that means – it’s time to say “Oh hey, baby!” to peak catcalling season (seen elsewhere as “summer”).

Ladies, get ready to finally feel noticed. Summer is a time to relax, so resolve to spend less time fretting over asking for that raise and more time wondering if that backless number means you’re asking for it.

For me, catcalling is fun because I love shouting and fear. I’ve always thought of catcalling as the gentile courting of the fast-paced, modern world. Who’s got the attention span or restraint to not yell at women? And what better way to appreciate my body, mind, and spirit than shouting half a sentence at me out of a moving vehicle? No one has the patience to be harassed at length in their free time; save that for the office.

In anticipation of this year’s new crop of participants, I’ve compiled my reviews of last year’s top catcalling contenders:

5. “Damn girl!” – 5/10 Vague, but satisfyingly threatening. A deeper provocation is assured but exists only in implication – hauntingly Hitchcockian.

4. “Them titties though.” – 7/10, Concise, and invites me to question the rest of my appearance as unworthy of my glorious breasts.

3. “What that ass do?” – 8/10, A query for the ages. What is done by the ass? What can be done? Seeking an impossible fulfillment destroys an otherwise blissfully ignorant existence. A reminder to remain humble.

2. “Mmmm.” – 9/10, Stylish, simple, catchy. Repeated later by me to a bagel.

1.  “[unintelligible] ass [unintelligible]” – 10/10, The perfect combination of confusion and sexualization. Poetic. An indication of a sensitive soul, and thus, a generous lover.

 

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